Living in the present

I was watching Oprah yesterday, which honestly, I don't normally do, but I was bored at home and flicked the TV on and there it was. They were talking about a book 'A New Earth', which I have neither read nor heard about until yesterday.
The little slice which I did watch though was a good reminder to me. It made me realise that when I accepted the challenge to publish a novel this year I started living in the future - I was thinking so far ahead that I was virtually incapable of living in the now and actually getting the work done. I think this can happen in a lot of situations, and I know individuals who have a really hard time with this. Before yesterday I hadn't thought that it could be such a problem, but now I see that sometimes it can.
For me it meant that I got too focused on the outcome I wanted to see that it meant I had a hard time getting on with the work that would get me there. I've struck this a couple other times, last year was a major one for me where I was so obsessed with getting the right grades for my papers in order to move onto Master's that I was too stressed out to function. If I hadn't just let it go and said to myself 'whatever happens will happen, and it will be ok', I would have ended up failing just about everything. And ya know, I didn't get good enough grades, but I did pass every single paper and I'm happy about that - I realized that wasn't the path I wanted to go down anyways so all that stress and worry and anxiety was for nothing.
Life tends to work out how it's going to, and while making plans and looking forward to your future can be a good thing, getting so stuck in thoughts about it that you end up gimping yourself is not helpful at all.
I got back to basics with the writing thing anyways. I decided awhile back that it wouldn't matter if I never got published, and that has brought a lot of the joy back to it for me, freed my mind up and now it's being creative and lovely for me. I have some energy and passion for it again and I love that, I missed it so badly.
Life is for living, and enjoying. Don't get too wrapped up in the future because life is right here in the now. We all need to be reminded of that from time to time.

Fresh week

It does feel like it's fresh, for some reason. Perhaps because I have been up since 5am and unable to get back to sleep. I've had a chance to lie in bed and listen to the rain coming down hard, and soft and hard again. It's stopped for now but I know it will be back.

Today, for the first time in weeks, I am going to make a list. I thought I was going to get around to that last week but I never actually did. Today I will, though I am still unsure whether it will be a day list or a week one. We'll see.

I'm growing. It's a little disturbing. I mean, I knew it was going to happen at some point but I just figured it would take a little longer than it has. I keep thinking to myself 'I'm getting fat(ter)!' but I'm losing weight. It doesn't add up, and yet at the same time I know it does. The baby needs space to grow into and I'm providing it.

I think today's list will go something like this:
Wash the dishes
Get the laundry out of the way
Clean up my writing desk
Read through novella and mark it up for editing
Return the DVD's
Pack miscellaneous computer stuff into a storage box

It's probably a big enough list. Now I better go and get my little girl out of bed :-)

On to new things.

So, yesterday, the big unpleasant task I had to do, turned out not to be so bad after all. Well, the act of it was, but the outcome - much more positive than I could ever have imagined.
I had to tell our flatmate that he can't move with us when we shift into the new house. Now, Damian has been flatting with me for the last four years, Simon has lived here for the last two. Four years is a really long time, but it is finally time for Simon, Ivy, and I to just be a family. I'm not even going to mention the many other reasons why we've made this decision, but it's all for the better, it'll mean my life is a lot less stress, that there is one less person I am picking up after and finally I might be able to stop feeling like a mother to this young man.
Initially he took it really badly. I told him just as we pulled up to the place where he sees his psychologist - my reasoning for leaving it until then was that I hoped his psych could help him to come to terms with the information and deal with it in a better manner. He walked off down the street, I followed and tried to convince him to go to his appointment, but when I left I wasn't sure he was going to, wasn't even sure if he'd contact me to get picked up let alone come home at all that evening. Thankfully he did! By the time I picked him up he was actually feeling ok about things. He understands why, and agrees that it's the right time for a change. No hate, no loathing, no self pity - I was impressed, not at all the response that I had forseen.
So it seems everything is going to be ok. And I am finally working through the reality that we are actually going to be just a family. It'll be really weird, but pretty wonderful I am hoping. I'm looking forward to not sharing the space with someone else, to being truly alone when little one is at daycare, to knowing that the place is just ours, all the mess and the noise and the moods, all just ours.
So, just over 5 weeks time, and we'll be in our new place. Just us. And just under 5 months after that our new addition will be arriving. Wow, our lives are really in for some major changes this year!

Wednesday

I did in fact get some writing done on Monday, however paltry, and I did get through and email off those two reviews for friends. It's so nice to have them out of the way. Yesterday I spent most of the day feeling sick, and then cleaning frantically when I felt well enough to do it. The house is in a bit of a state - with Simon down with a flu/cold/something, and Ivy too young to really get into cleaning and me feeling all morning sicknessy for most of the day not a lot was getting done at all. So now the washing is caught up, the floor is vacuumed, the kitchen is clean and it feels really good!!!
It makes me look forward to moving even more, to having less junk and clutter in our lives. It fills me once again with the strength to rid ourselves of the excess that fills up every corner of the house. It also makes me wonder how the move is going to go.... I realized yesterday that by the time I de-junk this house there will be so much space in the place it will feel like we are swimming in it. And then we are going to go and move it all into a smaller house where it'll probably feel like there just isn't enough room. Well who knows, hopefully it won't feel that way.
I have an unpleasant task to carry out today - I'll update again later after it's done. I'm dreading it with about 50% of my mind, the other 50%, along with my soul and body are rejoicing that it will be done. I always feel out of sorts when I know I have to do something and I know that it's going to be unpleasant, I'll feel better when it's over with, even if the fall out is going to effect us for weeks to come.
Off to make coffee, little one woke me at 530am this morning, scraping her nails along her bedroom wall. The noise drives me mad, it's all I can focus on. Shortly after she called out cause she needed to go to the toilet and refused to go back to sleep. I made her stay in her room until it was time to get up, but I had to go back in twice to get her to keep the noise down so that her father could sleep. I hate it most because I have a really hard time getting back to sleep. If I am out of bed for more than 3 minutes or so I just can't seem to do it. On the bright side, this means she'll be having a nap today for the first time this week!! lol

and today, I shall write.

Really. I'm going to.
There are a couple small things I want to get off my desk, and I'm going to work through those first. Edits/changes/suggestions for two people's writing that have been sitting around for far longer than I would have liked. It'll be good to have those emailed off to the right people and not sitting as a reminder that I have been super slack. Clearing up loose ends always feels like something that should be done before you sit down and get into the actual work of things - often, I know, you end up getting them done and then NOT getting into the actual work. I'm not going to do that today.
I'm not sure what I am going to write though. I know my script needs work. I want to finish off the story that there is over this week, but my attention is being drawn by other things, more exciting things. So we shall see! It'll be fun anyways, I just hope that the energy I am feeling right now tides me over til mid-afternoon, by then I should have a good about done and I can sleep mmm sleep.

The Script

Is not going as planned. Which is not to say that I'm making no progress, rather that progress is slow and I know I'm dragging my feet. I've come to realize that it's not going to be 100 pages long by any means, which is annoying because I simply don't have the energy right now to come up with something new to write about - nor do I have the time, enthusiasm or willpower.
So I'm going to finish this script, despite the increasing evidence that it's not that well suited to a movie. Well, not a movie anyone but me would want to watch anyways. I have to accept that I have strange tastes - maybe I should just be running with that thought. To hell what anyone else thinks, I should write it for me and me alone?
I should be thinking like that, from tomorrow, I will. Tonight is for sleeping though, mmm sleeping. I think it's been a week since I have needed to have an afternoon nap which is evidence that I'm slowing regaining some energy. Along with that I'm getting back some inspiration and motivation, just not for the script.
I have some things I want to edit, many words I want to write, new story ideas cropping up. It's nice to be excited again, to be dreaming my stories and thinking about them in the back of my mind again. I love it.

Graduation

Everyone keeps asking me about it. They know it's next month, they know that I am meant to be going, and every time someone asks I have to disappoint them. I'm not going, I don't even care that I'm not going. I made the decision, didn't mention it to anyone, and then left it til after the date by which my registration was meant to be received before I sent my form in. So, yes, I've been using that as my reason - with the whole pregnancy thing it just slipped my mind, when I went to do it I realized it was too late.
Somehow, lying about it makes it easier for them to deal with, and I don't feel guilty about it. It takes less energy than explaining to them that I really just don't care about attending a ceremony. That I don't feel like it was that big a deal to begin with, that many people finish degrees and I'm just not that excited about it. Glad to have it done - yes. Thrilled to be a 'graduate' - not really, no.
And then there would be the cost of attending. A trip to Palmerston North with the current cost of petrol, probable cost of accommodation for one night, the hassle of a child who doesn't really like being trapped in a car for three hours and finds sitting still very difficult. A long winded ceremony in which I'd have to take part in, the cost of hirage for the robes and hood and all that jazz (not cheap!). It would cost me atleast $500 to go and graduate, it costs me nothing to get my degree thing sent out to me.
Am I feeling a little weird about the fact that everyone else in the world is more excited about me graduating than I am myself? Yes. I can't begin to describe the way it feels, it makes me want to cry.
Am I devaluing my worth by suggesting that the money/time cost of going is too much? Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's just another way to justify to others that not going is a better thing. Really it should be ok for me to say 'I just don't want to go' and have people accept that. But they don't get it, they don't see things from my point of view, they put themselves in the 'graduate' cap and think hey thats cool, I'd so want to go.
I am glad I have finished my degree. Do I feel qualified to do anything with it? No. I am better off after finishing it, but it hasn't actually prepared me for any particular role, any job or task. It hasn't left me with a clear cut path, a career plan or anything else which might be obviously useful to me.
I know there are things I want to do, but they aren't exactly guaranteed money makers.
I want to write, I want to parent, I want to explore this other project that I have in mind. And eventually I'll do my teacher training and teach for awhile, because it ties in so well with the family thing, and it's something I know I will be good at. Oh yeah, thats my other trade off. After I tell people that I'm not going to graduation this year I tell them not to worry, because I am sure I'll have another one to attend in the future.

always 3pm

Around this time of the day, every day, I feel worse than normal. I have to resist every urge in my body which is telling me to go back to bed - today, simply for the reason that I'm home alone with Ivy and she has already had her nap. Every day when I can, I do, I just can't help myself. There is nothing I would like more right now than to sleep.

This week has been dragging on something fierce. I think partially because I'm adapting to the time change, I'm waking up earlier and I get to 9am and it feels like I have been awake for way too many hours, maybe also because I'm getting very little done with which to track my days. There are no achievements, nothing which stands out, nothing for me to feel great about.
Well, other than having my daughter rush to me on my second awakening yesterday morning excitedly and saying 'I love you so much mummy' to me over and over again. It's her new thing, she doesn't just love me, she loves me SO much. It's lovely. I can feel great about that.

We're having a good time at the moment, probably because I am getting enough sleep finally and she's not waking me up at 5am. I'm feeling calm enough to parent effectively and she is responding to that. When I am in control of my emotions, she is in control of hers. I wish someone had told me that you can't have your own emotions when you are a parent, they are always shared with your child. At least - that's how it seems to work here. If I cry, she cries, if I am grumpy, she is grumpy, if I am sad, so is she.

Sometimes it's a little frustrating, because you can't just feel what you are feeling, you have to consider someone else and whether you want/can handle them feeling that way as well.
If only she would feel my tiredness!! lol man that would make life so much easier, we could both just sleep all afternoon.

Yesterday

Well, I didn't get a lot done yesterday - had been hoping for one of those super productive days but that was hijacked pretty early on. I spent half the day feeling miserable, and the other half sleeping!
So, now I need to attempt to play catch up on the script writing this weekend, and I have no idea how that is going to go. It's a completely different beast than novelling, it takes very little to fill a page and thats a good thing, because once you actually sit down and start you can get through a few pages pretty quickly. Totally works for me anyways, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and beginning, always the hard part.
I found the cheapest possible retail therapy yesterday. Well, more like I remembered it.
I really wanted to buy something - and there are a multitude of things that I could buy, but I have zero income of my own and never feel good about spending our families money on stuff which doesn't benefit anyone but me. Sometimes you just want to spend money tho, to own some things.
I've been using the library liberally lately, but I love to own books - so I went to the library and browsed through their selection of castoffs, they have some really good books in there (none of which I actually purchased....). I went for the more obscure, a book on the life and myth of Nostradamus, a book on the last of Britain's witches, one about the nature of evil in mankind, and a couple of fiction books by authors I don't know but looked interesting: Claudia, daughter of Rome; and The Wishing Game. These are all big books, hard covers other than one - and all for $2!!!! should keep me busy for awhile, and in future I'll have to remember to check out what they have there. I like some of the random things that libraries decide to discontinue using, and you just never know what you might find.

awesomeness

Today a couple of things have happened which are pretty cool. a) the woman who I got my dress from on trademe asked for permission to use some pics from my wedding of the dress on the new website they are making. So funny, lol but so cool! I of course said yes, being the obliging person I am (and thinking that it would be pretty cool anyways...)
Secondly, my florist called to ask if she could use one of the photos I emailed her from the wedding on postcards which she will have on her stand to give out to people at the wedding expo this year. What is MOST cool about this is that the photos were ones that my friend Tamara took, so I got to text her and tell her the great news. She seemed pretty thrilled that her photo is going to be printed and visible and taken home by people. I think it's so great, and hope that the cards mention she is the photographer - I think she's brilliant and I want everyone else to know it too lol.
Both the dress and the flowers were fantastic, but it's nice to know that other people consider them wonderful enough to display as advertising for their businesses and it's just extra super that in the process a lovely friend gets more of her work out in the world which will no doubt bring her further opportunities. I know that both parties were the ones who made the items in question, but the fact that they picked my stuff out of who knows how many others is just plain awesome.

and so it begins...

I actually started the script today, and it's going well! wooo
Unfortunately there is an interesting Dr Phil on, and I can't help but watch it.... I know, I'm a sucker, silly daytime TV!!!

Hello April

Did you know that my mothers given name was April? She's not been known by this for years, I hadn't even thought about that until now. It's her birthday today, I should really give her a call later.

So the scan went well! Baby is all good, 1.7cms long, right where it should be, with a nice strong heart beat.
It has a beating heart, I could see it. I can't even begin to put into words how that felt, such a profound surreal thing.
So it's all good on that front.

I haven't started writing my script yet. I fully intend to! I will! But maybe not today. Every time I lie down I think about all the things I want to write. Every time I get out of bed, I feel tired and exhausted and want to go back to bed lol, vicious annoying cycle that is.
I scribbled down a beginning for a new story - not entirely sure whether it will be novella or novel length. I had been lying in bed thinking about what made the novella I wrote in January so much fun and had this new idea, which kind of stemmed from the last novella, but isn't the same. I could make it a sequel, hell I might even at this point I'm not sure. Will need some more thinking about it, but at least I am excited about something right. Something to do with writing.

The whole editing thing got me down, I know that. I wasn't having fun, I killed my buzz. I'll confess that it was hard work, not initially but once I realized everything that needed to be done it seemed like hard work and I had no energy. I mean I still have very little energy but I am beginning to feel a little more alive. I know it wasn't just about the novel, it was early pregnancy, lol at least I have that. The first pass at editing was actually fun, and relatively easy, it was the more in depth stuff that I just didn't have the focus for - I am pretty sure that after April, either in May or June I will get back into it and get it done, I want that thing out in the world looking for a home well before the end of the year.

So this is me. Back with a little more focus, a little more hope, a little more energy and some drive.