In Sunlight and in Shade

Moving time.

2008-07-12T19:08:00.002+12:00

So, I finally made the very hard call to move my blog from here over to wordpress.com. I've imported all the posts from here and have made my first new one over there today.
It's with sadness that I leave this space, it was a good first blog home but wordpress is easier to customize and personalize, and has some features that I am looking forward to playing around with.
In future posts will be made over here, though I have no doubt I'll still make posts over here on the odd occasion.

Friday

2008-07-11T08:29:00.002+12:00

It's a miserable day here - perfect for writing and getting other stuff done around the house.

Rewrites are going well, I am over 4k now, and well on track with my initial wordsperday goal - I am sure this will either get harder to do or just become a habit, and I'm not sure which way it'll go just yet. I could easily have NOT written last night but I told myself that no, I needed to get into it. And I'm not allowing myself to only write 1000 words even if that would get me to where my collective count divided by days writing would be at. That's cheating lol and not sticking to my plan and I don't want to start doing that so early on in the process, so I wrote exactly 1500 words (well, just a few over). I am sure there will be writing free days later on in the process - life happens.

Everything else is going really well I think, baby seems to be growing nicely and I can feel him/her at different points throughout the day moving around in there. Such and odd sensation but really pretty cool at the same time. Ivy is still adamant she only wants a girl baby, so fingers crossed! lol I would hate for her to be all upset and disappointed if it turns out to be a boy, but I guess we'll just have to deal with that when it happens.

Business course is going well, feeling really fired up about it at the moment and am charging through the material we have, hoping to get my next submission sent in this afternoon sometime - failing that it'll be tomorrow. At least if I do it today I might get the next bit opened up for me before the weekend. It's moving into the financial side of it all though and that's where it will get trickier for me.

Anyway, better get Ivy down to preschool, and then get back here and get busy!

Second Draft

2008-07-10T07:39:00.002+12:00

It's been started! And it feels really good.
I wrote 2K yesterday with ease, and could have pushed myself on but I want to pace myself this time around, get into writing between 1.5K-2K per day without fail, and set up more of a habit and less of the 'full steam ahead!' attitude that accompanies novel-in-a-month challenges.
It's strange that this particular word count goal seems like something so incredibly attainable now, a few months back it would have daunted me beyond belief, but now, I know I can do it.

And, against all my thoughts and beliefs, writing this second draft doesn't feel 'hard'. Before now I had only really approached short stories for editing and rewrites, and they are so different than a whole novel. I have rewritten short stories before, and not usually been that happy with the outcome - so the idea of rewriting an entire novel just scared the hell out of me. When I first looked at editing this particular novel I was trying to find ways to expand it, I was working out the best way to break it up and then add everything into it that I wanted added in, and cut all the bits out that I no longer wanted in the story. It was hard, such hard work - but I was telling myself that it would be much easier than rewriting the whole thing.

I think I was wrong. I feel now like I have the skills (magically appearing from nowhere apparently) to rewrite this novel, while still keeping in tact the bits of the original that I wanted to. Perhaps it's just that I have enough distance from it now - really enough distance, not just thinking that I do - to say that no, I don't need to keep the exact words or lines or order of the original, to know that the story I wanted to tell will be told, that it will just be in a slightly different (better, longer) form.

It's not like my characters are going to change much, if anything they are becoming more of who they are and should be. The story line for the most part will remain the same with some really great changes. So it's not nearly as drastic as I am sure a lot of rewrites are when whole chunks of the story are changed dramatically. And by working with it in this way, through a total rewrite, I can enjoy it all again.

That was really the thing I was worrying about I think, that I was going to be bored, that I wouldn't finish a rewrite because I already knew what was going to happen. And while yes, I do have a very good idea, I am allowing for some movement in the story, and I am sure that there are elements in there that will be new to me, and the depth of detail and character development this time around are also going to be something new as well. I'm not writing this in a month, not trying to cram as much story into as short a space as I possibly can.

I was talking to my mother a couple nights ago about what I'll be working on with the novel, and she is of the opinion I should just have submitted it ages ago and it should have been published already. I told her that yes, it's a solid story, and yes I know a lot of people enjoyed it - but the point is that it's not the best story it can be, and if I want to have any chance of getting it published that is exactly what it needs to be. It's about peeling back the layers that I already have and seeing which ones need adding to and which ones need removing, about crafting the thing instead of just drafting it.

I feel more like a 'writer' this week than I have in a long time. I'm moving from being a first draft novelist onto being somewhere else in the process of novelling, and that's exciting, so very much so. I'm really looking forward to this new kind of journey, and I feel renewed and nourished by it, and strangely, not fearful anymore - I know I can do right by my novel.

And today, there shall be word wars

2008-07-09T10:41:00.002+12:00

There will be, regardless of whether I 'feel' like it or not, thank you Chibi :-)
And I do mean that, it's nice to know that you can get in there and write, no matter how you are feeling, and I am definitely ready to begin this second draft.
The outline is not complete, the ideas are mostly all formed though and I am well enough prepared to actually start. I think I need to, before I chicken out and don't get into it. Before some other idea pops up and I cave in and do that instead. This is the time for focus, and determination, and getting stuff done. I can do it :-)

It's SO cold here today, but thats ok, it's also a really beautiful day. Ivy and I got into the weeding yesterday and that was good, one of the three gardens is clear now and I am hoping to get another done this afternoon as well. Am looking forward to planning out where the things are going to go and doing some more research so that I can have the most successful and productive garden that we have can have - the less we have to spend on food the better I say! Also going to talk to my brother about planting some fruit trees and whether that would be ok with him, though they won't provide anything this year it'll be good for in the future.

Anyways, better go and do some more outlining, might as well!

Monday

2008-07-08T08:44:00.002+12:00

The outline is progressing! I am... taking it slowly, and making it really basic, not writing down a lot of the details which will be added in the writing, just making some notes about how the story is going to progress. I am wondering whether I actually need to do it or not, but I guess because I have started I should finish - why not give it a go?

I went to my first WoW raid last night in ages. Which is a big thing for me. I used to not want to go because of the late nights it meant, but the reality is that I am not falling asleep until after midnight these days anyways, so that's no longer a valid reason. I put off going for weeks now... I was paralyzed by this fear that I wouldn't be as good at what I do in game as I used to be. They always labeled me one of 'the best resto druids around' in my guild, so expectations were high - but it's been months since I played my druid, I'm out of practice and was so afraid of being bad at it that I just couldn't move forward enough to even give it a chance and see how I might do.
I did not wipe the raid, I did not fall apart, and the world did not implode like I had feared it might. Funny how these irrational fears can be eradicated when you just find the courage to overcome them.

I've been like this about writing in the past - and about several other things. That whole 'I did this great once, what if I can't again?'. And it CAN be hard to move beyond that, to put yourself out there, risk being terrible, but if you don't risk it, you're never giving yourself the opportunity to be great either. Failure is a part of life, and the sooner that can be accepted the sooner we can open the door for the possibility of success.

So what if your next story lacks something that your last one didn't? Chances are that it's also better than your last one in some way. With each word written, each story/novel/poem completed, you get better, even if you can't see that right this minute. Every time you put pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, thought process to reality, you are learning and growing - as a writer, as a person, as a creative being.

And besides, we can always go back and edit those stories so that each of them are as good as they other ;-) The joys of being a writer.

Sickness

2008-07-07T09:14:00.002+12:00

It struck on friday... it lingers still. Except that now it's spread and Simon is home sick from work - I'm still trying to decide whether Ivy is well enough for preschool this afternoon. She seems fine, but she still has a cough, and she's not really been eating a whole lot yet. Her energy levels have certainly returned to full force though!
I've had some of it as well, and spent saturday morning and sunday afternoon in bed sleeping/reading/resting. It certainly helped because I feel much better today.
I have also been suffering from some mild pregnancy craziness, ok, it didn't feel mild at the time and as much as I can stand back from myself and tell myself logically that none of my crazy trains of thought are real or make sense, emotionally I can't. Sometimes I guess you just have to let things out, and after doing so yesterday I do feel better. More sane, getting back on track, less depressed. I was worn out, and sick, and looking after sick people, and sometimes when that happens I can feel a lot like no one actually cares about me because I am the one who has to do everything. It would be nice for once if I was the only person to get sick and everyone else could run around after me for awhile lol.

I did start my outline, it's not complete yet, but it is coming together and I am aiming at getting back into the writing of it this week. I am not going to set a day, I do not want to set myself up for failure. I figure I'll get all the sickness out of the house first and then get onto it, hopefully I'll be able to finish up the outline today sometime.

Friday

2008-07-04T09:04:00.002+12:00

And I am still no closer to having my outline done...
Today tho, I mean it!! lol all efforts will be slightly hindered by my sick child, who is being kept home and hopefully will feel somewhat better over the weekend. I feel for her, it's not often that any bug prevents her from eating and means she is pale and lethargic. I discovered today that most prescribed medicines are free for kids under 6 though! How cool is that? She'll be better in no time I am sure.
I'm feeling somewhat lethargic myself today. I woke up at around 1230am and couldn't get back to sleep, so I lay on the couch for a couple of hours listening to the classical music radio station via Sky. And then went back to bed and lay awake for awhile there, eventually getting back to sleep at who knows when... only to wake up around 6 and not be able to get back to sleep once again. No wonder I feel like I need afternoon naps...

on being slack

2008-07-02T08:23:00.002+12:00

It's kind of settled in a little since I finished the latest novel. On the writing front anyways - I've instigated a TV ban for Ivy and have been working my ass off at making sure she's fully entertained and occupied away from that devil box. I mean, I like TV, I enjoy it, I wish she could enjoy it without getting obsessed about it, but that doesn't seem to be the case. Her behaviour in the last two days has been SO much better than it would be if she was watching even an hour of TV. So while it's more work for me, for now, it's better in general because I don't have to loathe the way my little girl is behaving.... I hate feeling like that, but the whining, the tantrums, the over the top tears and the agression that surround the TV are just things I can't live with.
We'll see what it's like in a couple weeks, I am fearful that her early exposure to endless hours of TV (prior to her living with us, for the first year of her life) means that it's like a security blanket for her, one which she finds it hard to detach from. So we'll see. But I can't let it slide now, I won't be a parent who is ruled by TV or their child's behaviour.
I want the best for her, and TV does not bring that out.
So, on the writing front I do have some goals for today: I want to finish the section I'm doing on my business course (I have to write the plan), I want to go through and make a list of short stories and poems that I can submit places and find some places to submit for the rejection collection challenge, and get that darn outline down on paper ;-) I think that's probably more than enough to keep me going for today, being that none of this will get looked at or done until after 12 when Ivy goes to preschool.
In the meantime I have a headache I should really attempt to deal with or I'll end up getting nothing done at all today!

No more writing

2008-06-30T10:32:00.002+12:00

Well not really, not this month anyway.
I did spend some time talking about ideas and new directions for the novel in edits though, with Chibi, and am quite excited by what came out of it all. I plan on sitting down today and hashing out an outline to work from with the rewriting/editing. There is a lot of rewriting to be done! lots of changes... it will be a long process, but I can do it. It'll be different for me because generally I don't work to an outline, I just write.... So, I hope I don't get bored and sidetracked along the way.

Nothing else much to report. Ivy's overnight stay at my Mum's went ok, and mum mentioned a 'next time' so it can't have been too bad ;-)
Am catching up on the cleaning and washing today since it's sunny omg! lol We haven't seen the sun in days, so I am going to make the most of it.
I'm also organizing my desk in the spare room to set it up for working on the novel rewrites. It's time I got that space sorted out so that I don't get distracted watching TV or whatever else might come along. Work space, for working in.
I should probably go and do that, so that I can get on with the work and not spend the whole day procrastinating. I'd like to have it ready to write tomorrow.

Mystery Baby

2008-06-28T13:21:00.002+12:00

It's shy ok? Didn't want to flash it's bits to some strange scanner lady.
I was really quite disappointed, but I am pretty much over that now - we may decide to go for another scan sometime to find out, but if we don't I think I can live with not knowing whether it's a boy or a girl.
No yellow though, folks. No yellow, we are anti yellow clothes and baby things lol.
Everything looks good though with the baby, which is a good thing. Will hear more back from the midwife on Thursday, as they don't really go into detail with you during the scan. Bubs was curled up a lot of the time and not being the most co-operative thing in the world but I'll forgive it, it's not really the most pleasant experience in the world and I would have been curling up myself if I'd been allowed.
So, no name picking, no rushing out to buy little boy or little girl things - it's a bit sad not being able to get organized without just going white on everything. I've decided to start anyways, and make some things, purples, and reds and greens and whatever other interesting colours are around. Just no yellow...

Haven't done any writing today, and may not either at this rate lol, but I did spend quite some time discussing my novella. It's now turned into something a lot bigger and better (I'd like to think) I just have to get around to rewriting, adding, and editing :-)

Day 26: 'The End'?

2008-06-27T08:14:00.003+12:00

I wrote the words, though I am not sure I mean them just yet - time will tell. It feels like it's missing something though I honestly can't say what I think that might be. Chances are high it's fine as it is and the residual issues I am having with it are things that need to be fixed in the story over all rather than just the ending, and right now I'm not even going to think about going back and fixing it all up, it's done, it needs to sit, get out of my head.
All up it didn't come out anything like I had hoped - which isn't to say I don't like it, because I do. But I'd hoped to write something funny, at least in parts, funny by my standards, not by everyone else's. It didn't happen, not in any sense of the word, unless it's to point and laugh at some of the terrible sentences I have no doubt used.
There were bits in the book that I totally adore, characters which I thoroughly enjoyed and who didn't really get enough development pre writing. I think that's the thing when you are the explorer type writer - by the time you get to the end of the book you really know your characters, which can mean that who they seemed to be at the start of the book isn't always quite right. You might think you know them, but you discover more about them, they round out over the course of the story and so you need to rework things to make them the same person throughout, even though they might have things happen to them which change them in some way.
Sadly I don't think I can write any other way, lol there is always going to be the need for me to go back and rewrite character stuff, unless of course it's a sequel cause by then I know the main players well enough to know how they would react to anything.

Anyways, enough thinking about that. I need to kick the story out of my mind so I'll be critiquing a piece of writing Chibi sent me in the next couple of days and giving myself some space to get back into editing mode - exciting stuff, the stuff that feels like real work, lol at least it did last time. I am excited and nervous to get back into it, a little fearful that I'll stuff things up along the way in the novel, but sometimes you just have to make a change and see how it pans out, sometimes you can't tell before hand whether it's the right change or not.
I think I'll rewrite the beginning of the novel (the one that's in edits) anyways, and I can always add that to my word count for the month to push it over that 60K threshold (I'm only 155 words shy of it, but I am not the kind of person who will just write an extra 155 words on a novel I am considering done just to hit a number goal).

Scan day today!! Baby best keep its legs uncrossed because there are about 25 people waiting to hear whether its a boy or a girl, not to mention me who is just hanging out to know.

Day 25: ah, 300 words?

2008-06-26T11:11:00.002+12:00

I started one word war this morning, got thoroughly distracted about 3 minutes into it and never got back into writing.... bad day, lol I was feeling very dizzy and stuff but that seems to have cleared up - I'm going to attribute that to large doses of cranberry juice, obviously the stuff is good for me.

I did some reading from baby books last night, and am finding that whatever i read before i go to sleep, i dream intensely about. So baby dreams last night, dreams about businesses and stuff the night before, and I'm not sure the night before that... my memory is pretty shot at the moment.

Took Ivy for a swim this morning and it was just raining a little when we got out of the car, halfway to the pool it started to hail so I picked her up and ran, hard work when shes over 20kgs now and I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

Yes, 20 weeks! halfway!!! and scan day tomorrow :-)

So that means I have to try and get closer to writing 'the end' on this novel, and you know what, this time I might actually write The End, just for kicks, never done it before, and hey it will add two words to my count ;-)

Day 24: 3K

2008-06-25T20:05:00.002+12:00

Got a fair bit of writing done yesterday, and it was good as well. The end is in sight now and I can see how it's all going to come together - always a good thing when you can count how many thousand words left to go on two hands.
Anyways, nothing more from me. Been feeling very dizzy the last few days so I'm going to go and lie on the couch in front of the box, or maybe just go to bed and sleep.

Day 23: 1k

2008-06-24T08:22:00.002+12:00

I got back into writing again today after a break over the weekend, and while it wasn't a massive word count day it did help me to get back into the story - and have some realizations.
Which suck, cause I am already seeing things that need editing/changing/fixing and I have to just ignore that and finish the novel.
At some point my MC's best friend just kind of dropped off the face of the planet lol, I got wrapped up in the other things going on (you know: young love, family secrets) and neglected the friend big time - in much the way that my MC was doing, the friend I know though wouldn't let that happen, she'd have something to say about it so... that'll all have to come into it at some point in the story, and in the meantime i have to try and include her in the conclusion of the story. I don't even know how I am going to include the other characters that are not the MC, her mother and her father, hopefully a good way shows itself to me shortly.
I also realized I need to get working a bit harder on all of this if I want it done by 1pm on friday, because there is very little chance I'll feel like writing once I've seen baby again.

In other news: well, I really didn't do a lot yesterday lol, I managed to get some more work done on my next business module and am hoping to email that off on Wednesday, I need to put some hours into it today. I had a fantastic talk with Chibi on the kiwiwriters chatroom, that girl is wise beyond her years and it was just so energizing to have that particular talk with her, lol it's always so nice when you can walk away from a conversation and know that everything is going as it should be, that the world is a beautiful place, and that there are others out there somewhere that share your view/belief on some things.
Oh, and Hubby has kindly agreed to Kerryn and Mark staying here when they come up at the start of August!! So very exciting!!! There is a lot going on in the near future and it's nice to know there is stuff happening.

So today, where does that leave us: husband doesn't for work til 145pm this avo, child is home all day, it's wet, cold, and pretty miserable weather and I'm feeling very low on energy.
I do need to write another K or so today though, and work through some more sections of the module. The house was cleaned all over yesterday so I just need to do the dishes today to keep things ticking along.
Plus I better come up with an interesting thing to do with Ivy otherwise we're going to end up driving each other crazy lol.

Day 21/22: nothing written

2008-06-23T09:25:00.002+12:00

going to keep it short and sweet cause I am working from the laptop and it's too hot and uncomfortable to be resting on my knees for long.
My graphics card is fried and I am unable to use my PC. I am not impressed about it.We also didn't win the graphics card we were bidding on Trademe, and we can't really afford to buy a new one right now so for the meantime, I'm reduced to laptop use and borrowing hubbies when he's not using it, which, lets face it, isn't often when he is home, thank heavens for work hours!
Other than that I slept all day yesterday, I have been so tired it's just not funny. My tummy is stretching and growing, so I've been quite crampy and uncomfortable - and lets not even talk about the back pain lol fun times!! Am doing my best to keep active and stretch lots, do the best I can for my body while it's developing this new life inside it. I may have to resort to morning swims on a daily basis because that definitely made me feel better last week.
I can almost feel bubs kicking from the outside now, I know where to put my hand to feel the slight movements, but it's too small for anyone else to be able to pick up just yet - but thats cool tho, means it won't be long til hubby and Ivy can feel it too, I'm looking forward to being able to share that with them.
Anyways, going to get off this laptop and get some things sorted for the day. I have a lot to catch up on writing wise this afternoon once hubby has gone to work - he's working lates this week which is good, I can watch the final of Desperate Housewives in peace.

Day 20: 1.7k written

2008-06-21T09:12:00.002+12:00

I got back into the story yesterday, adding a little to my word count. Am looking forward to finding time to add even more over the weekend and see where the story goes to. I know now where the MC will meet her mother, but it's what happens there, and how we get to that point which is still fairly unknown. Oh wow... see, this always happens when I blog, I say I don't know what's going to happen, and then I come up with a solution. This is one of the things I love about blogging.
So now I know how my book kind of comes together in the end, which is different to how I imagined it would, but good as well. Now I'm looking forward to writing it even more! And you never know, things might change by the time I get there but it looks like a pretty solid option.

Brother stopped around today and dropped off four bags of baby clothes - mostly boys - so now I hope we do have a boy cause we'd be totally set up! lol that said, if it's a girl I get to do lots of shopping... Ivy is having lots of fun going through and talking about how cute things are, there are a couple pieces with tigger on them and so she's been hunting for something with winnie hehe, I can tell this baby is going to be a winnie the pooh baby ;-)
He also gave me his wireless keyboard and mouse which is cool, and just charging batteries for the mouse before I give it a go. Will be nice to get rid of a couple more cables from the desk.

Nothing planned today. I don't think I said yesterday that Ivy's sleep over at my Mum's was cancelled cause Mum is sick, but that's all good, we'll reschedule it for when Mum's better. Simon is at work this morning and we've just been chilling out. I should really plan something for the day! Oh well hehe, maybe its finally time to rearrange the bedroom and do the small organizational tasks that are needed in both the spare room and Ivy's.

Day 19: No writing

2008-06-20T08:12:00.002+12:00

And I feel slack - slack in that I still have story to write and I haven't been - on the other hand I did get some of the things done yesterday that I wanted to. And the swim really helped my back out, at least for yesterday.
I hate being that person with JUST over the goal mark, and so at some point today I'll be writing again, though it might not be until later on.
This morning after I drop Ivy off I have to go and finish the gardens at the old house. It's all dragged out for a lot longer than I would have like, and I DID them the week before we moved, of course that was almost a month ago now and they are weedy again and for some reason Dad thinks that's my problem and not his, he even told us off for not mowing the lawn last week, like... that was mowed the week we moved! The whole thing is a mess, it wasn't handled well by them or by us and in the end we're all left feeling unsatisfied with the whole thing.
I didn't have it done by the time we moved and they don't appreciate that, I scrubbed walls for hours which they then sanded over and had to re-wipe. I vacuumed carpets which then had sanded stuff and plastering gunk on them, and some of which were then removed from the house anyway - and I don't appreciate that they asked me to do those things when obviously they were pointless things to be spending my time doing. Next time anything like this is set to happen I'll be sitting Dad down and asking him what I should actually bother doing, where my time could be usefully spent and outlining exactly what each of us is to do.
I think it's unfair for them to get annoyed at how long it took anyways, I KNEW they would take weeks to get the place done so it was not a high priority thing. Nothing that I did or did not do slowed down their progress with repainting and tidying the place up, they didn't have tennants lined up or a date by which things must be completed, and the reality is that they have always been slack in giving us what we needed with the house so meh, I didn't feel like I needed to hurry either. We'll note having an oven that only had two working elements that we had to try and cook meals with for 2-3 weeks before it was replaced (the inside didn't work at all), and the leaking roof which took about a year to get fixed despite the fact our walls were crying and my flatmates ceiling caved in (Dad did manage to patch it up, but still, it was due to be replaced long before we moved in).
So yeah, I am annoyed. But I'll do the gardens again because otherwise Dad will probably get caught in the middle. I'll do it because that's just how I am, and even though I am annoyed about it I won't bring this up to him, or to her, because I don't want to cause them any more hassles.
At least once this is over with, it's done - though I am sure I'll hear back about how I didn't do a good enough job and whatever. I don't care. I'm not going to feel useless because I don't live up to their standards. The reality is that no matter how good of a job I do it won't be good enough so they'll end up doing it over. It's always the way it is.
/rant off.
So yes, gardening this morning, then home and some writing I think! My right hand is all crampy and in a little pain from cutting up photos to send out with our thank you cards so I am going to have to bite the bullet, put some on CD and take them to get printed somewhere... I have to save my hand the hassle of cutting up anymore lol.

Day 18: Winner.

2008-06-19T07:50:00.002+12:00

You'd think I would have posted this yesterday right? I mean it was only like 4pm when I crossed the winners line, I had plenty of time to write something up about it. But no...
Doesn't mean I wasn't happy or excited, but I was also tired, sore, cold and headachey.
I actually intended to write more on the novel after that, but never got back to it. Hubby was home sick, after I won it was almost time to get Ivy and then the night routine just kind of took over and I said I would go and do something in game with hubby, which turned into several things and I ended up being on there until 11pm. Much longer than I wanted, and it was worse because it took me over an hour to get to sleep when I did get to bed, and hubby much the same, I hate that, lying in bed, awake, not being able to sleep and the fact that someone else can't sleep as well makes it that much more worse.

So this morning I am still cold, sore, tired and headachey, and there are things to be done which also need my attention.

So no writing this morning, I'm going to answer all the questions on my list of things for my business course, wash the dishes and tidy the house up some. Brother, SIL and nephew are maybe visiting today so I have to make sure the place looks tidy. Old habits die hard, it might not be a house inspection but it doesn't hurt.
I told Ivy we could go swimming today and as much as I don't feel like it one little bit we'll still go, and I can only hope the water is warm and it helps my back to feel better than it does right now.
I should also get back into some those thank you cards, get as many more out of the way as I can - I have no idea where the address book has gone in the move, so thats need locating as well, oh the joy! lol
I may get back into the writing later today, when some of these other bits and pieces have been worked on. But I feel like I have been putting a lot off in order to get my 50K and so now I have to return at least some of my attention to those things that have been a little neglected.

Day 17: 46530

2008-06-18T12:14:00.002+12:00

It's a good number! More than I expected to get to last night but the story picked up in a big way and it's really taken off. All the back story has come to light and the cards are on the table as such. No more secrets, just a few problems that need solving and a few events that need to take place - I'm still unsure what some of those things are, but I finally figured out how the mother comes into play and how that interacts with my MC's transformation.
I'm happy with how it's coming together and I just love the scene that I am writing right now, even though I'm still not sure what will happen straight after it. I may give it another week (in the story) to let the things that have come out to develop before plunging into the next big ordeal.

Other than that I had a phone call from my Dad which made me think about a few things. Not things I'm going to talk about here and now, but it definitely made me think more deeply about my relationship to some individuals in my life, examine the way I feel and the reasons why I think I might be feeling that way - generally a worthy way to spend ones time, even if you aren't exactly thrilled with the outcome, in this case because it's not like I can do a single thing to change the dynamic, but at least I can work on reacting less to it myself.

Back to writing I think! Ivy is at pre-school and Simon's home sick in bed, so I have the house to myself, mostly.

Tuesday

2008-06-17T14:49:00.002+12:00

I didn't set any specific goals for myself today, well, not official ones - though unofficially I am hoping to get 2.5K words a day through til Friday so that I get past that 50K mark.
I've not really done a lot with my day so far, well, it doesn't feel like it. I finally got onto our thank you cards for everyone who came to the wedding and that's proving to be more time consuming than you might think. I started just writing them randomly and then decided maybe I needed to do them in groups, like, all my aunts in one go so that I could make sure I didn't write the exact same thing on each of their cards. Not that they will likely be comparing their cards, but still, if it happened by chance I'd rather they think I was trying to come up with different things rather than giving them the same spiel.
I can't wait to have it done to be honest, and I will have them out of my hands by the end of the week and no later. I got some more ink for the printer and am going to set about printing some photos to send with each card, which will also be a mission but at least I won't feel like I totally suck because they will all be a little more personalized.
Nothing much else to report! I think it will feel like an unproductive day no matter what I do with it due to the lethargic mood I am in.
Will no doubt update again later after I've done some writing.

Day 16: Goals achieved.

2008-06-16T18:32:00.003+12:00

It's been a really good day, for various reasons. I've been in a bit of a giggly/fun mood and that has meant that the hours have flown by.
I'm just 500 words shy of reaching my 2.5k goal, and I know I'll get that easily (and before 9pm when I have to raid).
I sent in my first module thing for the business ownership course and got some positive feedback from that which was great. I also finally confessed what the idea was to hubby who said he thinks it's a really good one! Which wasn't what I was expecting to hear, so am quite thrilled with that too.
Now for some pics, beginning with my Mojo, being terribly cute.

My 40K reward which was very very tasty.

and the second reward, my first baby purchase!

Wow

2008-06-16T08:18:00.002+12:00

Feeling so much better today than yesterday!! Not that my cold has abated too much but I think it's just the fact that I am actually cool. It took me til after midnight last night to actually fall asleep as it seemed to take me that long to cool down enough to do so - hubby is on strict orders not to pump the fire up so hot tonight, I just can't handle it. I actually did end up throwing up.
But enough of that, feeling much better this morning and looking forward to 12 when I drop Ivy off at preschool and can go shopping. YAY! shopping!
I am yet to set my writing goal today, though I think 2.5K is a decent goal - I really need to finish off the module of my business course that I am on and send it away. I'm getting too caught up in getting it perfect that I am slowing down my progress in a major way.
So, lets reassess:
2.5K on the story. I left off my writing last night before she suggested she go home with her boyfriend, and then of course I was writing ahead in my mind after I had logged off the computer, so it'll be fun to sit down and actually write the scene.
Finish module one and email it off - I set this goal last week and didn't do it. Today, I must.
And then start module two. I must be a couple weeks behind, though more than half the other people on the course haven't even signed onto the site yet so I am miles ahead of them! lol
Get through the washing backlog.
Enjoy my rewards for hitting 40K and set myself something for the 50K mark, because I am going to hit it a long time before my scan date arrives (27th).

Oh and in other news, Ivy is staying at my Mum's house on friday night!!! It's pretty exciting. She's been expressing a desire to stay over there for awhile and I keep forgetting to ask because it never comes up when I'm around Mum, but yesterday I remembered. So it's all booked in and it is really very exciting. I said that already didn't I? But it is! Other than the night of our wedding Ivy has pretty much spent every night here, and the only other place she has stayed is at her biological grandmother's house, which hasn't happened in more than 6 months now.
I just hope that it all goes well. Am still debating whether to find something to do (ie: movies, dinner out or something) or just stay home in case she can't handle it. We should probably make the most of the night off and go out and do something, but I guess we'll have to wait and see.

And now, back to researching the modern cloth nappy.... lol

Day 15: 40k! wooo

2008-06-15T22:23:00.002+12:00

Well, it took me awhile, but I made it!! I am so thrilled to be here, but I feel kind of like throwing up so that's putting a little bit of a dampener on it.
I'll write more tomorrow but right now, I need to go lie down!
Yay me on 40K, I can't believe I only have another 10K to go to pass that 50K mark. I have no idea just how many words are left in the story either, so it'll be interesting to see. Still hoping to get it all out before the month is through.
Tomorrow as a reward for hitting that goal I'm buying myself a white chocolate mocha frappachino, and possibly something else... I'll post a pic if I do buy it :-)

Day 14: Writing Free

2008-06-15T08:26:00.002+12:00

Not as in free writing, but no writing at all. I don't even feel bad about it!
I thought I was going to get into some last night but my cold/flu had gotten worse and I just wanted to go to bed.
This morning I feel somewhat better, yay! Some aspects of whatever was going on with me have cleared up - like my scratchy throat which was making me feel quite like throwing up even though I didn't. It seems to be heading more the way of a cold now, which is just fine by me. Going to take it easy again today but still hoping to hit 40K by the end of tonight. It's a goal I want to achieve despite being sick.

Didn't actually do a lot of anything yesterday to be honest. I went back to bed at a couple points throughout the day which seemed to help, lying down is always so much better than being up when you feel yuck. I think the highlight of the day was before cooking dinner when Ivy, Simon and I spent a good 40 minutes playing hide and seek. It was a blast!!! I didn't expect it to be nearly as fun as it was, because normally Ivy hides in the same places or where you were hiding when she last found you. So anyways her and I started off playing, and then Simon started helping her find new spots, so it turned into a two vs one, with combinations of who was hiding and who was seeking - there are loads of places to hide in and around our house, so I was pleasantly surprised. I think it's a great game for all of us to play together.

Day 13: 35K

2008-06-13T21:34:00.002+12:00

Well, I managed it! I didn't think I was going to, but I managed to get to 35K. I did just one word war today around with Leisha, so I'm actually impressed with myself that I managed to slowly write the other 1.5kish that I needed to get me over the line. 70% sounds good, it feels good. And if I can get to 40K at some point over the weekend I'll be even happier.
So that then, is the new goal. Reach 40K by the end of the weekend.
I even managed to get through most of my list from yesterday of things to include, though there needs to be more talk of the birthday party - right now all Roma can think about is the information she has JUST gotten her hands on about her biological mother. I'm going to leave it where it is for the night and think about the different kinds of things she might learn from old newspaper print offs and other archived materials which Ryan might have been able to find. The possibilities are limitless really.
So that's me for the night. Fingers crossed I get to sleep a little better tonight. I'll be downing some more lemsip Max before heading to bed, I hope it helps!

new goal

2008-06-13T15:59:00.003+12:00

I scratched the idea of the 7.5K challenge today, I'm really just not up for it in this state. So the new goal for today is to hit 70% which means only writing another thousand words on top of the thousand I have managed today.
I visited my friend for our regular friday catch up and introduced her to the word war, and hopefully once she's finished downloading pidgin she'll jump into the room and join some of us in more wars over the next few weeks - she has a broken ankle, and is trying to work on her novel, so it should hopefully help keep her occupied.

Long nights

2008-06-13T07:13:00.002+12:00

As I lay in bed between 2am and 5am, drifting fitfully in and out of sleep, aware of the sharp pain down my left leg, the ache in my lower back, the sting in my throat, my inability to find a position to lie in which catered for all of these things and that fact that the 'Doodlebops' theme song music was still playing in my head - I pondered on the point of staying in bed at all.
When the cat came into the house at 3.30am and mewed her way loudly to my side while I frantically clicked my fingers at her so she might be quiet (because she'd located me and was happily smooching my hand) and not wake Simon I almost did give up. Of course, somewhere between 5 and 530 I fell asleep, so soundly that I didn't even hear Simon's alarm go off at 540. Thankfully, I even managed to mostly sleep through his work preparations and departure to be woken again by the cat at 7am because he'd shut our bedroom door tight and she couldn't get out.
Now, to get one thing clear - I am not a Doodlebops fan, Ivy is, and I think I saw it just the one time yesterday but still, for some reason, their very catchy theme song got stuck firmly in place. It's still there now.... (oh and the doodlebops are a kids show, lots of music and dancing and problem solving in case you have the pleasure of not knowing).
This morning though, I feel shattered. My back is still aching, my throat has stepped things up a notch and I may be heading for full blown sickness, though that also might just be due to the general feeling of crap you get when you simply haven't had enough sleep - I guess we'll figure that out as the day goes by.
And where does all of this lead to? It leads to me feeling completely unsure about whether I can complete that massive 7.5K writing challenge today. To feeling a little like I am incapable of writing anything much at all.
Oh well, it's still early. I can reassess when I am sans child post 9pm.

2 weeks now til I get to see baby again.

Day 12: 33K wooo

2008-06-12T22:31:00.002+12:00

Well, I made it to 33K, which seems pretty impressive, considering I was going to be happy to settle for 30K. I think that means my total for the day was 4.5K which is not bad at all - yet still, it doesn't feel like I wrote much at all!
I sometimes wonder if my story is crawling along at snails pace.... but I know it's getting there, this is all part of the process. I have ticked off everything on the list of 'things to happen' so now I need to formulate some new 'things to happen'. Let's give it a shot now - better to set it up before tomorrow morning, maybe I'll dream about it and expand on the ideas.
Ryan will come back to Jordan with some information - there will be a bit of it, articles about the family, some interesting history wherein they leave town suddenly.
This ties in with Roma's birth way back, and this will all come together at some point.
Some planning for her birthday party.
An interesting conversation with her Aunt about contraception or preferably abstaining from sex entirely. By interesting I mean uncomfortable.
Another incident wherein she has things happen which relate to the other skeleton in her closet she still knows nothing about.
That's probably enough to keep me going for now. I really need to write out a time line though, so that I know when and where things are happening. I may just skip forward a week and have very little happen then while they wait for information from Ryan -possibly the best way to deal with the things going on!
I'm going to give the Seven Hour Challenge a go tomorrow, and see how fast I can get through it. That would take me to just over 40K and I would be VERY happy with that.
Time for sleep.

Day 11: Not quite there

2008-06-12T08:34:00.002+12:00

When I set out upon the days writing I didn't have any goal in mind - I find this particularly dangerous when challenge writing. If you don't have a goal, you're not really aiming for anything in particular.
I could have made one, but I didn't, and by the time I was telling myself I could easily swoop through to 30K, it was too late and I didn't end up getting there. Just over 1k shy of reaching that, but at least I know what my goal is today!
The awesome news from yesterday is that KiwiWriters reached it's first collective million words written for a challenge, and THAT my friends, is really incredibly exciting!
The other fantastic thing is that Sailor Chibi sailed across the finish line, the first one to go over this year, and on her day 10. Very impressive. I know she had a lot more writing to do this month so am looking forward to seeing just how high that word count climbs.

Today I am going to hit 30K. It's a small goal, but hey, I had to start somewhere. I often find that I set myself a goal, and then surpass it anyways, so we can hope it works like that today. I do have a couple other things to do as well though, such as finish my first assignment submission for the business course and email it in (have been quite slack there), and visit my sister-in-law and nephew out at their new place. My brother is working away for three days, starting yesterday so I suggested we come out and keep them company for a little bit today, it'll be nice for Ivy to see some farm living I think, and it'll be cool to catch up with them again as we haven't seen them since we all moved house.

Day 10: The halfway mark

2008-06-11T08:15:00.002+12:00

Well I made it there! though I did the bare minimum to reach that goal, and it took me most of the day. But hey, I'm halfway to 50K!!!!!!!!! Was feeling very uninspired yesterday, despite the fact that I'm actually interesting in my story, that happens though. I think it might have been a good thing, because a little internal conflict I hadn't planned on showed up and is a keeper. It's nice when little things show up like that, like your own irritability sparks something inside your character that makes them realise something. In this case Roma is realising that maybe she doesn't want Michelle to 'mother' her - it seemed like it was a good thing when she thought her mother Dotty was useless, but now that she knows Dotty isn't her real mother, that there is another mother out there, she's resisting it a little more. It'll be interesting to see where that goes.

I went to bed around about 9pm last night, and did my best to sleep as late as I could (which turned out to be 7.30 - not bad at all!). I still feel like.... I'm not even sure what you'd call this. I'm sore, and tired, and slothful, I'd totally go back to bed if I could, or if I knew I could find a comfortable position to sleep in. Not an option though. I hate being awake so much during the night, I hate not being able to find a position I can really relax into without some part of my body hurting. So I better go and do some stretches, and do some before bed tonight as well, and hopefully, it'll help.

I don't have any specific goals in mind for today's writing, though several things need to happen: Roma needs to go through her fathers old journal to learn more about her biological mother. Jordan will visit her at her home tonight.
They'll try to find more out about her parent's relationship.
They will enlist Ryan to help them try and find her real mother's location.
Michelle will get annoyed by this.

There, I have some kind of plan!

On a side note, I am finding this quite interesting to write, as, I am not Ivy's 'real' mother either, the mother in this book is placed and is possibly actually a family member (the father's sister), I haven't decided yet - she's really quite a loony, but had been present for the all the life that Roma can remember.
So why am I writing this? Does this make me have any feelings regarding my own 'motherhood' of my girl?
No! lol and I can say that quite honestly. The situation is totally different, besides which, Ivy does know her biological mother as well, so there is no need for her to wonder about what the other mum is like.
Where Ivy has a mum, someone who looks after her, adores her, does everything she can to make sure she is happy and safe (me), Roma does not, and never has had that experience of a mother due to Dotty living in almost another world entirely, which has meant that having her slightly older friend Michelle mother her a little has been quite nice for her.
Do I wonder what will happen in my own situation when Ivy is older and wants to explore her options - yes, of course. I'd love for her always to be my little girl, but am totally aware of the fact that I need to share her and give her the space and opportunity to make her own mind up about things.
Am I exploring that angle of our relationship in this book? I've thought about this, and I really don't think I am - everyone reacts differently, characters are not real life, Ivy is in no way shape or form Roma, though if she turned out to be like her then I wouldn't love her any less.
Is it going to play out the way I'd like it to in real life? No, that wouldn't be truthful or honest for my characters, I don't tend to manipulate them like that.

The reason why I have asked myself these questions is because the first novel I wrote someone raised similar ones (MC was asked by her dying sister to take her boy and hide him from her abusive husband), a friend who read the book asked whether I was exploring my newfound motherhood and the impact it had on me - while I could have said yes that would have been untruthful because the premise of the story had been developed several years prior to my even meeting Simon, or to Ivy being conceived.

Do my personal experiences impact on my writing? To this I would answer yes, of course. It makes me treat my characters a little more sensitively than I otherwise might. It has meant that Roma doesn't feel ill towards Dotty, that she actually does care for her and will not go out of her way to hurt her feelings, despite the fact that she's not really aware of what is going on.
It meant that I could easily raise all the thoughts and fears and worries associated with looking after a small child when you have little experience in that area.

Anyway, I think that's enough self assessment for me this morning. We would be silly to think that our lives don't impact on our writing, and even more insane to avoid topics which we can relate to our own lives, we should take everything we know, everything we have experienced and use it as a resource for our writing, draw from it, pick apart the strands, repaint it with our words. As a writer you have to use every resource you can get your hands on at times, your own life can be the easiest, and the hardest one to draw from.

Shy Dog

2008-06-10T07:49:00.004+12:00

My darling Kali-Ma is so camera shy, lol I am always trying to get some good shots of her but she just plain avoids the camera where ever possible. See yesterdays example.

Day 9: almost halfway

2008-06-10T07:05:00.002+12:00

I hit 22500 this evening, well, just above. Though most of the writing for that was done early today, I just felt like I needed that last 500 words, 45% complete looks a whole lot better than 44% for some reason. It amazes me that I am almost halfway on day 9, and that's despite having had a couple of writing free days. I don't think my story is halfway though, and that makes for a nice change - then again, there is a chance I say that every time and then still wind the story up by around 52K total. It's like there is a switch in my brain that says 'hey boys, we have to wrap this one up, that 50K mark is coming on and even though we might have some days to spare and keep writing with we still need it done'.
As a consequence of this, the first half of each novel I have written is well paced, well developed, and the second half generally needs some work. I am attempting to change this pattern this month. I'd like to write a longer story, and have to add less details and development in after it's 'finished', and yet I would still like to have this draft ticked off as 'complete' during this month.
I think I can do it, and I'll be trying my hardest. I think I just have to forget about attaining that specific word count goal, and just work on trying to get the story down this month, no matter how many words that takes.
We'll see how it goes.

Am feeling quite tired this morning so am not too sure how much I will end up writing, I guess it will depend on who is around in the chat room and whether they feel like writing as well! lol it's not dependant on other people, but it sure helps if someone else is there spurring you along. I really must try and word war by myself and see if it works nearly as well for me as warring with others.

Day 8: Another 2k.

2008-06-08T22:12:00.002+12:00

I'm really glad I made the effort to write tonight. I could easily have let it slide and just held out for tomorrow knowing that my word count was enough to still keep me at the recommended place for the day, but I pushed on anyways and am now sitting just about 17K. It feels really good and I am happy with where my story is going and how it's getting there. There are several subplots happening along with the main one I had in mind, which is also pretty cool. Lots of things are happening for my girl Roma, and life is about to get a lot more interesting! I am pretty sure she can cope with the way life with change, she doesn't have much choice though, really....
Anyway, off to bed for me. I spent about 6 hours cleaning today and I am tired. I went back around to the old house sans husband and child this afternoon and while I didn't actually get a lot done I did have a really deep conversation with my father in which we both opened up emotionally and that was nice, so worth it. I love it when we can do that.
I have to admit that I should give him more credit than I do in general. I have a set of expectations around our dealings and he's really shown me that he's made some changes in himself of late. I expected the worst from him, expected him to tell me that I was being lazy and that I wasn't doing a good enough job with the cleaning stuff, but he thanked me, and was really genuine about it which was just so refreshing. I didn't walk away feeling like I was substandard and that's a super nice thing.
After this afternoon I feel like I can be more honest with him about things, and that he can handle who I am, which is also really really nice. I love my Dad, and I want to be able to include him in all of my life, so the fact that we are starting to get to the point where that might happen is just awesome - finally approaching that adult parent/child relationship and moving away from the version we had when I was a teenager through til recently. Maybe me getting married and knocked up has helped him to accept that I really am a grown up now with thoughts, opinions, ideals, and all that other fun stuff of my own. Maybe it makes it easier for him to relate to me as an adult rather than as just his little girl.
The fact that several of his statements showed me how truly deeply he cares for Ivy despite the fact that she's not his blood have a great deal to do with this though. Knowing that he really does accept my love and devotion to this child who is not biologically mine but mine in all other ways shows me more about the real him than I have seen in a little while. His acceptance of her as his own makes me feel more included - which I guess is a little strange, but I do feel excluded by the people who are not accepting and welcoming of this little family I have, I made the choice to take on this child and I would never change that for anything, and the fact that other people still don't think of her as part of the family really guts me.
Note: all my immediate family members adore Ivy by the way, it's some of the extended family that I am talking about when I mention people who are not accepting.
Anyway, sleep time.

Day 7: No writing, just cleaning.

2008-06-08T08:50:00.002+12:00

Was a busy day, and a hard working day and I don't feel better off for it physically - but the great part of it means that we are almost free of the old house for good. After this weekend there will be no more cleaning over there to do, no more thinking about it, apart from, well, probably having to help Dad paint the place which we'll be doing out of love and not a sense of obligation, and I'll probably be able to avoid anyway because hey lets face it, lots of chemical fumes etc are not good for pregnant people.
I did do some thinking about my story though, and I feel like I'll be able to jump right back into it when I do get a free patch of time and space (maybe today even!) I should really be putting some of these thoughts down on paper so that I don't lose track of them but I'm sure it'll be fine.

I managed to get a sleep in this morning as well, hubby kindly agreed to get up when I asked him to, and other then the first morning cuddle from Ivy it was actually uninterrupted! That doesn't happen often - normally she is knocking at the door, or hubby is coming in to check on me, or my dog is whining because she thinks that a night apart is more than she should have to stomach. So she did whine this morning but I did a better job of blocking the sound out. It was nice, and I feel better for it that's for sure.

Anyways, that's it for now. Have to get ready to finish that cleaning off and then it's lunch at Mum's mmmmm divine.

Day 6: Meh

2008-06-06T18:48:00.002+12:00

I got around 1k written today, not that the day is over yet, but I really don't expect to be adding anything to that. This means I am sitting just over 15K, which is a pretty decent number still.
We now have 2 people at 20+K, and one person sitting just over 31K - go go Sailor Chibi!
I'm feeling low in general, it got to midday and I wasn't even sure where the time had gone, the afternoon passed just as quickly with very little else being done. I should have seen it coming as I have had several high energy days, a crash was inevitable. It's not writing related by the way - though if I wasn't having mood issues I am sure it would be.
The story is still going quite well, I am ready to drop the next little clue for my MC, after which she'll go hunting for something to either confirm or deny her suspicions, and I'm still not 100% sure what that it will be that confirms it. You don't exactly have birth certificates which say 'mother unknown', I'm thinking that maybe she'll find an old diary from back before she was born which can give her some more insight - whether that belongs to her father or the person who she has called mother for as long as she can remember I'm not sure. I guess I will just let the story decide. I'm thinking from the mother. It's funny how writing about your next little issue can cause you to come up with the solution - maybe that's a good thing to suggest to other people.
Anyway, more than anything I am really tired. So I think it's another early one for me. Lot's of cleaning to do tomorrow, and then no doubt other things will come up. I wish I could be sure I'd get a lot of writing done over the weekend, but am pretty sure that will be a no go. Oh well! Suck it up and get on with it when I can.

Day 5: 14k and rising.

2008-06-06T07:52:00.003+12:00

It's still going incredibly well, despite some procrastination from me yesterday. I spent most of the morning avoiding writing and when I did get into some word wars I could have easily left it at 12k, but then I stuck around in the chat room and ended up doing more and inevitably that count climbed to 14K where I called it quit for the night and head to bed around 10pm. Much earlier than the night before! lol but I still feel tired this morning.

Have to finish off as much of the last cleaning at the old house today as I can - Dad's getting to work there tomorrow so it needs doing. I'm not going to stress too much, it all seems a little pointless as he intends to paint all the walls and so I refuse to spend hours scrubbing them to perfection. Why vacuum (I've already done it by the way, its hypothetical)? he's going to be sanding walls and replacing carpet in some areas... but I know that's not the point to him, and he's still going to be unimpressed no matter how good a job I do. That's the key in these kind of situations - going in knowing you're going to 'fail' according to that particular persons standards, and then you don't have to feel like crap about yourself. Wooohoo! lol

Oh, when I went to bed last night I felt baby moving heaps... it wouldn't quit wriggling around and doing somersaults until I rolled over onto my right side where it seemed happy enough to settle down and let me go to sleep. I can only imagine that this is going to be a nightly routine now, as I have heard a lot of mothers feel heaps of moment around bed time - probably it's because there is nothing else going on to distract, no noise, no visuals, just your body and whatever is going on with it. And it's getting bigger every day, so it's all going to be getting more obvious hehe. I love it.

day four: wooo 10K!

2008-06-05T10:32:00.002+12:00

I hit 10K today (if you didn't quite notice from the title up there), actually that was last night... let me get my head straight.
It was a pretty good day, the 3k seemed to cruise by pretty quickly and it's nice, really nice, for things to just be flowing out almost effortlessly - I really do love word wars, they are going to see me across the finish line I am sure. I'm barely writing outside of them at the moment. Which is probably not such a good habit to get into long term. I am still writing between them, but I'm spending a lot of time in the chat room throughout the day and it's really helping to keep me motivated.

I also started working on my small business ownership course yesterday, and some of the kind folk in the chat room helped bounce some ideas around for a business name and I found one! yay! We'll have to wait and see if it sticks, but I'm liking it for now and that's the main thing. The course isn't as basic as I first thought it might be, which is also really nice. I'm not just going to breeze through it like I imagined, and by the end of it I should have a really good idea of whether this idea is viable or not, and whether I want to go ahead with it, or put it to the side and wait a little while to come up with something more suited to todays market - we shall see. It's just nice to be using my brain again for something studyish, I do miss it, despite the fact that I also don't miss it, if that makes any sense.

On the baby front (because, I just can't seem to stop thinking about baby at the moment): had my midwife appointment today and baby was moving around loads when she tried to find the heart beat lol she said thats a really good sign, it's obviously happy and has loads of energy. We could hear the beat still, just not as strongly as if she'd been able to get it to stay put for a little bit. Simon was there as well and it's the first time he's heard the heart beating, it's a pretty special thing. Apparently by now it's meant to be around 12 cms long and weigh about 100grams.

Day 3: I love word wars

2008-06-03T17:25:00.002+12:00

It's been an awesome day for progress on the novel, and for that I have to thank the KW chat room, and in particular Sailor Chibi, Moe, Nzfoxgrrl, and Redfox (massive apologies if I've left anyone out.. my brain is a little off course as anyone in the chat room can vouch for. I finally realized it was June today (3 days into the month) and thought it was Wednesday on at least two occasions).
So, my word count has climbed from just over 800, to the mid 5,000's, and hopefully will top out at around 6k later tonight. I'd be really happy with that - it would mean I am right back on track. WOOHOOO!!!
To anyone else who might be reading this and who is not right up there with the words you're 'meant' to be at: You can totally do this. You can catch up, reach your goals, write that story - and it doesn't matter if you aren't there yet, there is plenty of time, if you want this, you can do this.
So I am feeling heaps more optimistic about things now, which is SO great, because I was starting to doubt that I'd make any progress at all.
A very good day, and it's not over yet!

Day 2: No writing done

2008-06-03T07:53:00.002+12:00

Yes, I know, pretty bad really - especially so early on in the month. I didn't skip on purpose, it just kind of happened.
Spent the morning cleaning our old house (Got half done, woo!) and then went to the Craft show that was on with my Mum, I really just needed to hang out with her for a bit, without the extras (you know, her hubby, my hubby, my little girl - love them all dearly, but there is something really nice about mother/daughter only time, as I think my little girl is fully aware of!). It was really nice. I got Ivy this gorgeous cushion with a unicorn on it, aww, and a drum, lol she loves both. Hubby got some amazing truffles, so they can't say that I abandoned them in vain.
Anyways, we went and got a new microwave in the afternoon, and looked at some cots and stuff, then got some groceries and by the time we got home I felt like I was going to pass out so I went and lay down for awhile. I didn't feel better when I got up. So it was dinner, bath and an early night for me. My back is killing me at the moment, I think I need to get some new exercises to make it stop behaving so badly.
I do feel better in other ways today though, less like passing out, less like a zombie, less 'ug' in general. I won't be doing any cleaning today, or walking around for hours and hours at a show, I'll be taking it very easy and seeing how I go.
That said, I told Ivy we'd go to one of those kid play places this morning (Banana's woo!) and she is very excited about that. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping that there are other kids there so that she will go off and play with them while I get some writing done - hand written, weird. But still, my laptop won't last more than 20 minutes off a plug so there is no point lugging it down there. I'll just have to see how we go. I have my new pens, and my new notebook and fingers crossed it kicks me off into a nice little catch up spree.

Day One: Sucked

2008-06-02T08:23:00.003+12:00

It did, I can't really say much else about it.
I managed a little over 800 words in the morning, had lots of fun in the chat room first thing in the morning waiting for other peoples midnights, and from there the day went to pot pretty much.
A friend visited with her two boys and the kids ran rampant through the house - I wish I hadn't vacuumed before hand cause I had to do it again after they'd left. Then Ivy and I visited my Nana and everyone else who was there. They proceeded to finish off highlighting a fact I was beginning to see the night before - that I simply don't fit into my family. My mother, my brother and I, we are the odd ones out - I mean, there are a couple other members of the family that simply don't fit, and we all seem to just suck it up and deal with it when we have to, for Nana, no other reason. We all love Nana. I am so sick of the negative comments, of the gossip, of these people who know me for an hour at a time once or twice a year who think they have any right to judge me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I left feeling like the worst parent in the world, and I shouldn't - Ivy is a wonderful little girl, she is bright and engaging, intelligent and generally very well behaved. She was tired though and didn't want to listen when I was asking her to do some things, so yeah, obviously I am 'wrapped around her little finger' and 'not disciplining her enough'. I shouldn't let them get to me, I know I'm doing a good job.
I am my mothers daughter, I shouldn't expect them to get who I am as a person. And the pregnancy hormones are not helping me feel more emotionally stable about all this! lol
Needless to say, I didn't feel much like writing last night. And then hubby roped me into playing world of warcraft and we ended up in an instance til almost 11pm. I don't want to be up that late, and I certainly don't want to be playing games that late. I want to be writing, or in bed. I almost want to cancel my subscription, which is a pretty big thing for me to say as it's a game we generally play together as a couple and I'd be squashing that together time by cancelling. I love that we play together, but I think we're going to have to come to some kind of agreement about when I am going to play and when I'm not, because I hate feeling beholden to a game, like I HAVE to log in for such and such reason. I just want to boot up when I feel like it.
Yes, so that was the 1st.
Today we're cleaning the old house, finally, and it will probably be an all day job. I simply hope that I can summon the energy/enthusiasm to get back to writing tonight.

tomorrow is June!! tomorrow is June!!

2008-05-31T07:58:00.003+12:00

I feel all giggly and school girlish this morning, TOMORROW IS JUNE!!! Tomorrow SoCNoC begins!!!
And I may even stay up for kick off - we'll have to see how we go. I can tell I am going to be thinking about this all day though regardless lol and that I'll be switching on my computer and starting to write first thing in the morning (after getting Ivy her breakfast of course).
I need a big start, a good, solid start to get me moving. But I am excited and that's the main thing!
There is a lot to be excited about.
I am feeling much more energized of late - I had feared that I would never have energy again, early pregnancy was that tiring. But they were all right, those people who said to me 'Just wait, once you're into that second trimester you'll feel heaps better.' I waited, and hoped, and am happy to report that it was all true :-) I'm so relieved, as it was virtually impossible to get anything much done before now and I am pretty sure I can pull through this 50K challenge now.
Tonight is my Nana's 80th birthday party, and I am strangely looking forward to that as well (what has gotten into me! lol). I've been getting quite anxious about the large number of people who are going to be there, and the fact that I know they are all going to be checking my belly out for a baby bump, and that if they decide they see one they are likely to want to touch it. Don't you think that's a little creepy? lol I know people like to touch bumps, but mines not that big, not big enough to be an eye catcher yet and it just seems a little weird to me - but obviously, something I am just going to have to get used to. As Mum said to me last night, it's their baby too as far as they are concerned lol. Well it's MY baby, but I can learn to share ;-)
Oh and I thought of a name, and I really like it. But I'm not going to mention it here, yet. I have to convince Simon that he likes it as well ;-) Mum likes it (first name she has actually really approved of that I've come up with), I love it, it's sticking more than anything else so far, it feels like it fits (oh and it's unisex, in case you were wondering). I'm trying really really hard not to think of this as being the baby's name, not to start calling it by it's name in my head or in those quiet moments when it's just the two of us, but it's hard not to! lol being pregnant has made me even sillier than normal sometimes I feel.

Oh well. Back to the real business, the business of writing. My main character is female this time around, she's almost 18, comes from a large eccentric family and her name is Roma, well, it is for now anyways. She's gone through three name changes so far but Roma seems to be sticking as well. The story should be a lot of fun to write, I can't wait to get started. I've decided lately to opt for things which are just plain fun to write as it seems to flow a lot easier. My novella in January was the most fun I've had writing in a long time and that came out of me so quickly and painlessly that it was a stunning feeling. And I still love it, even now, months after it was given birth.
Writing can be hard work, but for now, I need it to be easy as there are other things going on in life. The first draft at least, should be fun. And I want to get it out onto the paper and not have it dragging it's feet, not wanting to get out of my head and onto the page. It's super important for me to have a successful 50K challenge under my belt again to prove that I can still do it. Once I prove that to myself again I think my confidence will come back, my writer's confidence anyways.
I've also started compiling a list of places to submit to for the rejection collecting challenge and am still strangely excited by that. It's going to be a good few months, I can just tell, and having all these writing related projects lined up is going to help me get through all the months there are til November and this baby makes its arrival.

Thursday already.

2008-05-29T08:38:00.002+12:00

My weeks are starting/ending on Thursdays currently. Which makes no sense to anyone but me, but hey it's my life. Today I am 16 weeks pregnant, every Thursday I get to tick another week off and that's pretty cool if you ask me. Yesterday I thought I felt it moving, which was also pretty darn exciting. 24 weeks (theoretically) to go!
I didn't get any of the writing done that I wanted to yesterday, but I did tick some other important things off the list. I paid the power bill (very important), vacuumed the floor (also really important, the place looks so clean now), and reviewed a short story by K, which has inspired me to see if there is anything around I think I can submit to the BNZ short story competition myself.
Which in some ways seems a little off to me - not the competition in any way - but there is a part of me which says 'hey no, you can't submit anything, you've looked through K's and so that just wouldn't be right.' This was the main reason I didn't submit anything to the Six Pack earlier in the year (Note to K: don't even for a second feel like that's your fault! it's my issue lol). It feels like cheating or something, lol which is so high school right? I've helped other students with their assignments in Uni and never once thought of it as cheating, we've always picked different topics and such anyways. K and I write differently as well, so it shouldn't be a problem, and I guess if everyone wasn't submitting to places other people they know submit then there wouldn't be a lot of submitting going on. And I in no way, shape or form think my writing is better than K's, so realistically I think my chances at actually winning anything over her are very slim - it's just the fact that I've seen her story, I gave her my thoughts and feedback, and despite the fact I think that her writing is better than mine, I feel like I should not participate.
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
All my issues aside though, I am pretty sure she would be telling me to do it, as she is a wonderful person who is so supportive and encouraging of people pursuing their dreams and getting their work out there. You'll never succeed if you don't try.
I'll have a look through anyway and see if I think anything is relevant, there may not be and then none of this will matter.
Except that I think it's important to address one's issues, this is an issue of mine and by talking about it and making it public it forces me to really explore what is going on and I'll be better off for it. I'm never going to get anywhere in the writing world if I am always worrying about the other writers I know and how they might feel if we end up submitting to the same thing - I know I would be thrilled for them if that was the case and they actually succeeded where I did not, so I guess I can only hope that they would feel the same way for me if the roles were reversed.

zomg

2008-05-26T14:56:00.002+12:00

Two posts in one day - I must be feeling good.
Well, I have successfully (already) completed the SoCNoC 7 Day Prep Challenge, yeah I know it was meant to last 7 days but I just got so excited I carried on and kept on prepping.
I have a story idea. It's not anything that I was thinking about, it's nothing that has ever crossed my mind before and I can't even begin to think of how I came up with it - but I like it, I'm excited by it, I'm interested in it, and that's the main thing!
And it's not really fantasy!!! Yay!! It'll be interesting to see if I can actually write it how it's coming together in my head. There is more of the story briefly outlined than possibly ever before. Well, actually I guess that's a lie, I'm getting better at thinking ahead and having places to go with my stories and still being able to write them. I don't know how it's going to conclude, I have no idea who the unknown figure in the story is going to be, and there are some definite things that need to be worked out - which is fine by me, I need some mysteries and I'm confident in my ability to find the answers out along the way. Anything that I brush over on this first draft can always be sorted out along the way.
So it's based in the real world, with typical people, for the most part - I had every intention of it being pretty general fiction, but I like having little twists, it's more interesting. So it's not fantasy, I don't even think I'd consider it urban fantasy, it's some kind of supernatural, but not too spooky or anything, and I don't think there will be any deaths in this one (wow that has got to be a first...), I think there might even be some comedy!
It has what I love most of all though, some interesting characters who are learning lots about themselves and having loads of issues along the way. Life is never always simple or easy, so I'm having fun thinking of all the things I can throw at my characters and see how they handle them - nothing is arbitrary tho. I'm not just gonna throw them into a whirlwind for the hell of it, it's all related to each characters needs and situation and thats the beauty of it. Oh my new friends, how will we fare along the way? Who will you be by the time we reach the end of your story? I am looking forward to finding out, and can only hope I do you justice.

Live! From the new house

2008-05-26T07:43:00.003+12:00

We are in!!! It was a long week, but we're finally in and for the most part unpacked, and barring a few mishaps along the way (such as a runaway kitty who has since come home again) it all went a lot smoother than I had imagined it would.
There were no emotional breakdowns on my part, no frayed tempers, no arguments, and Ivy was the most wonderful girl on moving day, she did so well! I am so proud of how well she handled it all. And we love the new house (Well, I am free to love it now that my Mojo boy is back, until he came home it seemed like too big a cost to have to pay to be here). We're not nearly as cramped as we thought we'd be, we're all a lot warmer despite the fact we've not even lit the fire or used a heater since we got here. So I expect us to be healthier here than we ever were at the old house, sickness will be easier to keep at bay.
I'm looking forward to this afternoon when it's just me in the house, well, and the animals too. I'm going to move some things around, put some paintings up, and just chill out, maybe sort out the spare room a little more though I can't shift my desk in here by myself. I cannot wait to have that space organised!! My own little corner of the house, the place where my laptop will dwell and my writing will be done (for the most part).
Speaking of writing: despite this cold and my achey body, I feel motivated. There are several challenges coming up and one on right now which I have committed myself to giving my best shot at. So let's take a look at those.

Currently the SoCNoC 7 Day Prep Challenge is underway. I have yet to start, and have absolutely no idea what I will end up writing, but I thought I'd take it anyways and see where it led me - there are several partial ideas, snippets of images and potential characters lurking around in my mind so we'll see where it takes me.

Following on from this, naturally, is SoCNoC itself!! WOOHOOO!!! This will be the second annual occurrance of this event and I am looking forward to it - despite not knowing what I'll end up writing. I loved the community support and fun that we had last year on the site and through the chat room, and found that word wars are my friend, and even writing down ten words at a time is better than writing nothing at all. Last year I reworked a very old story I had written as a 13 year old and lost somewhere along the way, the story grew phenomenally and is onto it's second book now and so far removed from the original - very exciting. I have another story I could do the same with, and that would be interesting, but at the same time I wanted to veer away from fantasy for this novel and see what else I can do. We'll see, we shall. Not long now til it all kicks off!!! Go Team Kiwi!!

And finally, something to line up for after SoCNoC is the Rejection Collecting Challenge. Now, I haven't submitted many things, and like most people am not fond of the idea of rejection, but looking at this challenge makes me want it. lol strange hey? But it's about getting your work out there, getting the guts up to just submit and stop worrying about everything. I'm going to have to work on getting enough stuff together to submit, but that's part of the fun of the challenge. I don't have 25 stories/poems I could send in anywhere, so I guess I'll have to go hard earlier on in the challenge and hope to get some rejections in early so that I can resubmit some of the same stories to different places. This motivates me to get sorted, get working on sending my stuff out and seeing where things go, so thank you pterodaustrodreams for posting the challenge.

a week without blogging

2008-05-19T08:46:00.002+12:00

Goes by pretty quickly really!
It's been busy. Still packing, sorting, throwing things out, still very tired, but we're getting there slowly. There are now only 6 days til the move, and that seems a little surreal, almost like it's not really happening despite all the work we've been putting in to make it so. I was visiting my sister in law yesterday (their house is the one we're moving into) and it hit me that we're actually going to be living there - I think it's the first time I've actually thought about that aspect of it!
So I'll be leaving this place a little sad, a lot has happened here. I wrote my first grown up novels, we got engaged here, conceived our first child, and it is the first place that Simon, Ivy and I made a home for ourselves.
So, thank you house, for everything, I hope whoever comes to live here after us appreciates you in the way that I do, and that you can facilitate as many great moments for them as you have for us. It's been a blast, and while I won't miss the outward aspects of yourself, I'll miss the safety and tranquil feeling of your inner self.

I have slacked on the writing front again, but to be honest I've only had the energy to work towards the move, I feel brain dead half of the day at least and have been sleeping every afternoon again. That's ok though. Soon this will all be done, and I'll have some spare energy again, I'm really looking forward to June despite the fact that I still have no idea what I am going to write. Little flashes of ideas have been coming to me, but nothings sticking so far and I'll be truly interested to see what comes out when I put fingers to keyboard on June 1.

Oh and my final note for this post: next scan is booked for the 27th June, just under 5 weeks and hopefully we'll be able to know whether we're having a girl or a boy. Nervous, excited, impatient. Each friday will see me mentally scratching another week off.

Monday

2008-05-12T22:25:00.002+12:00

Yes, I am imaginative with titles at the moment I know ;-)
Tonight I finally actually got back into writing! I ended up with around 700 new words on the novel that I am working on rewriting/editing towards submission. I have learned a lot from my first attempts on it, and have very clear ideas now of what needs changing and what needs to stay and after I finally pinned how to begin the novel I think the words will continue to flow - it's nice to be back in business again despite how busy the rest of life is at the moment.
Am also continuing the throwing out/packing extravaganza, there are now 12 days until we move house.

8th of May

2008-05-08T08:27:00.002+12:00

Really, time seems to be moving pretty quickly at the moment. Only 16 days til the move! that's pretty freaky if you ask me. I did another dump run yesterday, so now the laundry is all cleaned out, there is still so much to do and it doesn't feel like it's happening fast enough.
So today I think I'll be attacking the big wall unit in the lounge (which belongs to this house) and the cupboards in the computer room - the less stuff there is hiding away the better as far as I am concerned. There is virtually no storage at the new house so eliminating the items living in cupboards here is a good start.
I've decided to get back into the writing thing tomorrow, being that it's my childfree day. I did feel good about going through all my files and making note of whats finished/whats not, but I am pretty sure I want to submit something to the BNZ Katherine Mansfield competition so I really do need to get on with that, it needs to be done by the time June rolls around so that I can focus on SoCNoC 2008.
Which I am so looking forward to! I loved it last year, more so than NaNo to be honest. Though this time around I really have no idea what to write, so it'll be different again - that and the fact that for the first time ever I won't have exams during the month of a novel challenge! Hopefully that means I will actually cross the finish line - though it would be hard not to with all the word wars and encouragement that I know will be going on in the kiwiwriters chat room and on the forums.
Anyway, I had better get back to getting organized.
Have my second midwife appointment today and hopefully we'll be able to hear the heartbeat.

mountain trip

2008-05-06T15:20:00.004+12:00

So, I got up this morning and it was a beautiful day. I looked at the mountain and thought 'ya know, there looks like there is a lot of snow up there, maybe it's down far enough for us'. So we went. Spur of the moment trip, it was an excellent way to spend a morning and I'll definitely be getting Ivy out and about like that again as often as possible in the coming months. She is finally at the age where she can walk for reasonable distances by herself and she is actually quite interested in the world around her.

So this is a shot of the mountain, taken just up the road from our house. It's pretty stunning in general, and a sight I always missed when I wasn't living here. I mean, even when you can't see it you always know it's there and there's something reassuring and secure about that.

Here is the top bit of the mountain from the carpark, a few clouds, lots of snow, it was so nice! Bit chilly but no worse than down lower.

Ivy having a rest at a memorial monument along the path.

And just a random photo! I love the way broken branches look, there are lots of beautiful things in the bush and it's just a shame that my battery died not long after this one. I hope I can manage to instill a sense of wonder in my children about nature, there are so many beautiful and wondrous things in the world and I find it sad that so many people don't take the time to make the most of their surroundings.

Eek

2008-05-04T17:23:00.002+12:00

So, it seems we can now move a week earlier than we thought!!! So crazy. My brother just called to say that they are able to move out to the farm a week earlier so therefore we can get into their place that much sooner.
A week difference sounds like nothing really. But the difference between having 4 weeks and having 3 weeks to get everything sorted sounds quite different to me! I am going to have to get into gear and really work hard over the next couple weeks to make sure that everything is ready to go.
I have been working on it slowly, but having a week cut off my time means that I just need to pick up the pace.

Today I went through my flash drive and my laptop files and composed a list of all the stories there are on there, including length of the ones that were finished. At least now I have a rough idea of whats on there and what is somewhere in hard copy form but not on the computer. I'll have to have a run through the files on this machine and see what I can come up with as well. So sick of having two or three copies of the exact same file, I really just needed to make things more simple. It feels good! Will have to make a file of the list now before I lose my piece of paper heh.

Work of the sleep deprived

2008-05-02T15:04:00.002+12:00

Amazingly, I got stuff done today. *feels good about self*
Not housework, no, not any cleaning or packing. I finished the read through of my novella and made some small edits, and decided not to change the things I am thinking about changing until I get some feedback on it. It felt so good to have that done. I mean, the changes were minor, but I actually felt like I was assessing it in the right way - which is hard, 'cause I just plain enjoy the story, and when you enjoy something so much it can be really difficult to detach from it enough to get to the core of what needs changing around. Hence the decision to hold off on changes until I get an outside point of view. Lol how amusing it will be if no one else enjoys the story - hey, it really doesn't matter if they don't in some ways, the fact that I like it counts for a lot in my world right now.

And then I tried to sleep, which didn't work. Because someone seemed to be reversing a truck for a half hour and yelling out directions next door, and my feet were too cold and then by the time I realized I should just put socks on to solve that I had given up on the idea of actually getting to sleep. It's an idea which has been occurring a fair bit lately. The number of solid hours of sleep I am getting is diminishing and I almost fear sleeping during the day in case it means that I once again can't sleep at night - so far, that doesn't really seem to have been a problem but I'm wary of falling into a nasty new sleep cycle.
I think last night I got about 4 hours max, broken sleep. When you go to bed tired at 10pm and then get up just before midnight to do something (for the life of me, I don't remember why I got out of bed, oh right, the cat was meowing) and then finally manage to fall asleep you know there is something going on. At least last night it wasn't just me, Simon had a rough night too.
I've been drifting in and out, lying awake for hours at a time, but with no real desire to get up and do something to fill the time in because surely, one of these minutes, the tiredness is going to overtake whatever it is keeping me awake and I'm going to pass out, right? Not necessarily! At least I managed to function this morning for a short space of time before regaining zombiehood.

Oh, and my glad news of the day is that I think I might be able to go to Phantom of the Opera when it comes to Auckland in October. Lovely husband has decided he doesn't mind the idea of me swanning off to the opera in another city a month before bubs is meant to arrive and hell, it's been 12 years since the show was in NZ, I might not get another opportunity for awhile! I love the Phantom, I am aching to see it on stage in the flesh, so we will see how things go. I'm hopeful, friends and family members think that it won't be too hard to sit through even at 8months pregnant and hell, I'd willingly suffer to see it, I really would.

A great day

2008-05-01T18:21:00.003+12:00

So, we had our 12 weeks scan today. According to this one I'm 12 weeks as of today which is four days different than the first scan - not that it really matters! The baby will come when it's ready to come lol.
Everything is developing in the right place in the right way which is excellent, the woman doing the scan even used the words 'perfect' and 'lovely' on several occasions which was nice. Once again it was totally amazing to see it up there on the screen, so much bigger and more developed than the last time I saw it. It was wriggling around which hammered home just how real this really is - it's in there, growing and wriggling and developing. Stunning. So we got to see it's face (which didn't really look very facelike, the scans are pretty grainy), it's arms and hands, it's wee feet kicking about, it's lovely spine, it's thumping heart and the two sides of its brain even. All there - woohoo! lol
And here is a pic, if you can't make it out it's the length of the baby on it's back, head to the right, tush to the left.

And in other news I'm editing! wooohoo, it feels good. I'll have to look around and see if there is anywhere I might be able to submit my novella too, I definitely want to get it out there.

Living in the present

2008-04-29T08:16:00.002+12:00

I was watching Oprah yesterday, which honestly, I don't normally do, but I was bored at home and flicked the TV on and there it was. They were talking about a book 'A New Earth', which I have neither read nor heard about until yesterday.
The little slice which I did watch though was a good reminder to me. It made me realise that when I accepted the challenge to publish a novel this year I started living in the future - I was thinking so far ahead that I was virtually incapable of living in the now and actually getting the work done. I think this can happen in a lot of situations, and I know individuals who have a really hard time with this. Before yesterday I hadn't thought that it could be such a problem, but now I see that sometimes it can.
For me it meant that I got too focused on the outcome I wanted to see that it meant I had a hard time getting on with the work that would get me there. I've struck this a couple other times, last year was a major one for me where I was so obsessed with getting the right grades for my papers in order to move onto Master's that I was too stressed out to function. If I hadn't just let it go and said to myself 'whatever happens will happen, and it will be ok', I would have ended up failing just about everything. And ya know, I didn't get good enough grades, but I did pass every single paper and I'm happy about that - I realized that wasn't the path I wanted to go down anyways so all that stress and worry and anxiety was for nothing.
Life tends to work out how it's going to, and while making plans and looking forward to your future can be a good thing, getting so stuck in thoughts about it that you end up gimping yourself is not helpful at all.
I got back to basics with the writing thing anyways. I decided awhile back that it wouldn't matter if I never got published, and that has brought a lot of the joy back to it for me, freed my mind up and now it's being creative and lovely for me. I have some energy and passion for it again and I love that, I missed it so badly.
Life is for living, and enjoying. Don't get too wrapped up in the future because life is right here in the now. We all need to be reminded of that from time to time.

Fresh week

2008-04-28T06:49:00.002+12:00

It does feel like it's fresh, for some reason. Perhaps because I have been up since 5am and unable to get back to sleep. I've had a chance to lie in bed and listen to the rain coming down hard, and soft and hard again. It's stopped for now but I know it will be back.

Today, for the first time in weeks, I am going to make a list. I thought I was going to get around to that last week but I never actually did. Today I will, though I am still unsure whether it will be a day list or a week one. We'll see.

I'm growing. It's a little disturbing. I mean, I knew it was going to happen at some point but I just figured it would take a little longer than it has. I keep thinking to myself 'I'm getting fat(ter)!' but I'm losing weight. It doesn't add up, and yet at the same time I know it does. The baby needs space to grow into and I'm providing it.

I think today's list will go something like this:
Wash the dishes
Get the laundry out of the way
Clean up my writing desk
Read through novella and mark it up for editing
Return the DVD's
Pack miscellaneous computer stuff into a storage box

It's probably a big enough list. Now I better go and get my little girl out of bed :-)

On to new things.

2008-04-24T10:13:00.002+12:00

So, yesterday, the big unpleasant task I had to do, turned out not to be so bad after all. Well, the act of it was, but the outcome - much more positive than I could ever have imagined.
I had to tell our flatmate that he can't move with us when we shift into the new house. Now, Damian has been flatting with me for the last four years, Simon has lived here for the last two. Four years is a really long time, but it is finally time for Simon, Ivy, and I to just be a family. I'm not even going to mention the many other reasons why we've made this decision, but it's all for the better, it'll mean my life is a lot less stress, that there is one less person I am picking up after and finally I might be able to stop feeling like a mother to this young man.
Initially he took it really badly. I told him just as we pulled up to the place where he sees his psychologist - my reasoning for leaving it until then was that I hoped his psych could help him to come to terms with the information and deal with it in a better manner. He walked off down the street, I followed and tried to convince him to go to his appointment, but when I left I wasn't sure he was going to, wasn't even sure if he'd contact me to get picked up let alone come home at all that evening. Thankfully he did! By the time I picked him up he was actually feeling ok about things. He understands why, and agrees that it's the right time for a change. No hate, no loathing, no self pity - I was impressed, not at all the response that I had forseen.
So it seems everything is going to be ok. And I am finally working through the reality that we are actually going to be just a family. It'll be really weird, but pretty wonderful I am hoping. I'm looking forward to not sharing the space with someone else, to being truly alone when little one is at daycare, to knowing that the place is just ours, all the mess and the noise and the moods, all just ours.
So, just over 5 weeks time, and we'll be in our new place. Just us. And just under 5 months after that our new addition will be arriving. Wow, our lives are really in for some major changes this year!

Wednesday

2008-04-23T07:45:00.002+12:00

I did in fact get some writing done on Monday, however paltry, and I did get through and email off those two reviews for friends. It's so nice to have them out of the way. Yesterday I spent most of the day feeling sick, and then cleaning frantically when I felt well enough to do it. The house is in a bit of a state - with Simon down with a flu/cold/something, and Ivy too young to really get into cleaning and me feeling all morning sicknessy for most of the day not a lot was getting done at all. So now the washing is caught up, the floor is vacuumed, the kitchen is clean and it feels really good!!!
It makes me look forward to moving even more, to having less junk and clutter in our lives. It fills me once again with the strength to rid ourselves of the excess that fills up every corner of the house. It also makes me wonder how the move is going to go.... I realized yesterday that by the time I de-junk this house there will be so much space in the place it will feel like we are swimming in it. And then we are going to go and move it all into a smaller house where it'll probably feel like there just isn't enough room. Well who knows, hopefully it won't feel that way.
I have an unpleasant task to carry out today - I'll update again later after it's done. I'm dreading it with about 50% of my mind, the other 50%, along with my soul and body are rejoicing that it will be done. I always feel out of sorts when I know I have to do something and I know that it's going to be unpleasant, I'll feel better when it's over with, even if the fall out is going to effect us for weeks to come.
Off to make coffee, little one woke me at 530am this morning, scraping her nails along her bedroom wall. The noise drives me mad, it's all I can focus on. Shortly after she called out cause she needed to go to the toilet and refused to go back to sleep. I made her stay in her room until it was time to get up, but I had to go back in twice to get her to keep the noise down so that her father could sleep. I hate it most because I have a really hard time getting back to sleep. If I am out of bed for more than 3 minutes or so I just can't seem to do it. On the bright side, this means she'll be having a nap today for the first time this week!! lol

and today, I shall write.

2008-04-21T10:32:00.002+12:00

Really. I'm going to.
There are a couple small things I want to get off my desk, and I'm going to work through those first. Edits/changes/suggestions for two people's writing that have been sitting around for far longer than I would have liked. It'll be good to have those emailed off to the right people and not sitting as a reminder that I have been super slack. Clearing up loose ends always feels like something that should be done before you sit down and get into the actual work of things - often, I know, you end up getting them done and then NOT getting into the actual work. I'm not going to do that today.
I'm not sure what I am going to write though. I know my script needs work. I want to finish off the story that there is over this week, but my attention is being drawn by other things, more exciting things. So we shall see! It'll be fun anyways, I just hope that the energy I am feeling right now tides me over til mid-afternoon, by then I should have a good about done and I can sleep mmm sleep.

The Script

2008-04-17T21:12:00.002+12:00

Is not going as planned. Which is not to say that I'm making no progress, rather that progress is slow and I know I'm dragging my feet. I've come to realize that it's not going to be 100 pages long by any means, which is annoying because I simply don't have the energy right now to come up with something new to write about - nor do I have the time, enthusiasm or willpower.
So I'm going to finish this script, despite the increasing evidence that it's not that well suited to a movie. Well, not a movie anyone but me would want to watch anyways. I have to accept that I have strange tastes - maybe I should just be running with that thought. To hell what anyone else thinks, I should write it for me and me alone?
I should be thinking like that, from tomorrow, I will. Tonight is for sleeping though, mmm sleeping. I think it's been a week since I have needed to have an afternoon nap which is evidence that I'm slowing regaining some energy. Along with that I'm getting back some inspiration and motivation, just not for the script.
I have some things I want to edit, many words I want to write, new story ideas cropping up. It's nice to be excited again, to be dreaming my stories and thinking about them in the back of my mind again. I love it.

Graduation

2008-04-16T08:53:00.002+12:00

Everyone keeps asking me about it. They know it's next month, they know that I am meant to be going, and every time someone asks I have to disappoint them. I'm not going, I don't even care that I'm not going. I made the decision, didn't mention it to anyone, and then left it til after the date by which my registration was meant to be received before I sent my form in. So, yes, I've been using that as my reason - with the whole pregnancy thing it just slipped my mind, when I went to do it I realized it was too late.
Somehow, lying about it makes it easier for them to deal with, and I don't feel guilty about it. It takes less energy than explaining to them that I really just don't care about attending a ceremony. That I don't feel like it was that big a deal to begin with, that many people finish degrees and I'm just not that excited about it. Glad to have it done - yes. Thrilled to be a 'graduate' - not really, no.
And then there would be the cost of attending. A trip to Palmerston North with the current cost of petrol, probable cost of accommodation for one night, the hassle of a child who doesn't really like being trapped in a car for three hours and finds sitting still very difficult. A long winded ceremony in which I'd have to take part in, the cost of hirage for the robes and hood and all that jazz (not cheap!). It would cost me atleast $500 to go and graduate, it costs me nothing to get my degree thing sent out to me.
Am I feeling a little weird about the fact that everyone else in the world is more excited about me graduating than I am myself? Yes. I can't begin to describe the way it feels, it makes me want to cry.
Am I devaluing my worth by suggesting that the money/time cost of going is too much? Hell, I don't know. Maybe it's just another way to justify to others that not going is a better thing. Really it should be ok for me to say 'I just don't want to go' and have people accept that. But they don't get it, they don't see things from my point of view, they put themselves in the 'graduate' cap and think hey thats cool, I'd so want to go.
I am glad I have finished my degree. Do I feel qualified to do anything with it? No. I am better off after finishing it, but it hasn't actually prepared me for any particular role, any job or task. It hasn't left me with a clear cut path, a career plan or anything else which might be obviously useful to me.
I know there are things I want to do, but they aren't exactly guaranteed money makers.
I want to write, I want to parent, I want to explore this other project that I have in mind. And eventually I'll do my teacher training and teach for awhile, because it ties in so well with the family thing, and it's something I know I will be good at. Oh yeah, thats my other trade off. After I tell people that I'm not going to graduation this year I tell them not to worry, because I am sure I'll have another one to attend in the future.

always 3pm

2008-04-08T15:13:00.003+12:00

Around this time of the day, every day, I feel worse than normal. I have to resist every urge in my body which is telling me to go back to bed - today, simply for the reason that I'm home alone with Ivy and she has already had her nap. Every day when I can, I do, I just can't help myself. There is nothing I would like more right now than to sleep.

This week has been dragging on something fierce. I think partially because I'm adapting to the time change, I'm waking up earlier and I get to 9am and it feels like I have been awake for way too many hours, maybe also because I'm getting very little done with which to track my days. There are no achievements, nothing which stands out, nothing for me to feel great about.
Well, other than having my daughter rush to me on my second awakening yesterday morning excitedly and saying 'I love you so much mummy' to me over and over again. It's her new thing, she doesn't just love me, she loves me SO much. It's lovely. I can feel great about that.

We're having a good time at the moment, probably because I am getting enough sleep finally and she's not waking me up at 5am. I'm feeling calm enough to parent effectively and she is responding to that. When I am in control of my emotions, she is in control of hers. I wish someone had told me that you can't have your own emotions when you are a parent, they are always shared with your child. At least - that's how it seems to work here. If I cry, she cries, if I am grumpy, she is grumpy, if I am sad, so is she.

Sometimes it's a little frustrating, because you can't just feel what you are feeling, you have to consider someone else and whether you want/can handle them feeling that way as well.
If only she would feel my tiredness!! lol man that would make life so much easier, we could both just sleep all afternoon.

Yesterday

2008-04-05T08:49:00.002+13:00

Well, I didn't get a lot done yesterday - had been hoping for one of those super productive days but that was hijacked pretty early on. I spent half the day feeling miserable, and the other half sleeping!
So, now I need to attempt to play catch up on the script writing this weekend, and I have no idea how that is going to go. It's a completely different beast than novelling, it takes very little to fill a page and thats a good thing, because once you actually sit down and start you can get through a few pages pretty quickly. Totally works for me anyways, it's just a matter of actually sitting down and beginning, always the hard part.
I found the cheapest possible retail therapy yesterday. Well, more like I remembered it.
I really wanted to buy something - and there are a multitude of things that I could buy, but I have zero income of my own and never feel good about spending our families money on stuff which doesn't benefit anyone but me. Sometimes you just want to spend money tho, to own some things.
I've been using the library liberally lately, but I love to own books - so I went to the library and browsed through their selection of castoffs, they have some really good books in there (none of which I actually purchased....). I went for the more obscure, a book on the life and myth of Nostradamus, a book on the last of Britain's witches, one about the nature of evil in mankind, and a couple of fiction books by authors I don't know but looked interesting: Claudia, daughter of Rome; and The Wishing Game. These are all big books, hard covers other than one - and all for $2!!!! should keep me busy for awhile, and in future I'll have to remember to check out what they have there. I like some of the random things that libraries decide to discontinue using, and you just never know what you might find.

awesomeness

2008-04-03T15:38:00.002+13:00

Today a couple of things have happened which are pretty cool. a) the woman who I got my dress from on trademe asked for permission to use some pics from my wedding of the dress on the new website they are making. So funny, lol but so cool! I of course said yes, being the obliging person I am (and thinking that it would be pretty cool anyways...)
Secondly, my florist called to ask if she could use one of the photos I emailed her from the wedding on postcards which she will have on her stand to give out to people at the wedding expo this year. What is MOST cool about this is that the photos were ones that my friend Tamara took, so I got to text her and tell her the great news. She seemed pretty thrilled that her photo is going to be printed and visible and taken home by people. I think it's so great, and hope that the cards mention she is the photographer - I think she's brilliant and I want everyone else to know it too lol.
Both the dress and the flowers were fantastic, but it's nice to know that other people consider them wonderful enough to display as advertising for their businesses and it's just extra super that in the process a lovely friend gets more of her work out in the world which will no doubt bring her further opportunities. I know that both parties were the ones who made the items in question, but the fact that they picked my stuff out of who knows how many others is just plain awesome.

and so it begins...

2008-04-02T13:18:00.001+13:00

I actually started the script today, and it's going well! wooo
Unfortunately there is an interesting Dr Phil on, and I can't help but watch it.... I know, I'm a sucker, silly daytime TV!!!

Hello April

2008-04-01T17:20:00.002+13:00

Did you know that my mothers given name was April? She's not been known by this for years, I hadn't even thought about that until now. It's her birthday today, I should really give her a call later.

So the scan went well! Baby is all good, 1.7cms long, right where it should be, with a nice strong heart beat.
It has a beating heart, I could see it. I can't even begin to put into words how that felt, such a profound surreal thing.
So it's all good on that front.

I haven't started writing my script yet. I fully intend to! I will! But maybe not today. Every time I lie down I think about all the things I want to write. Every time I get out of bed, I feel tired and exhausted and want to go back to bed lol, vicious annoying cycle that is.
I scribbled down a beginning for a new story - not entirely sure whether it will be novella or novel length. I had been lying in bed thinking about what made the novella I wrote in January so much fun and had this new idea, which kind of stemmed from the last novella, but isn't the same. I could make it a sequel, hell I might even at this point I'm not sure. Will need some more thinking about it, but at least I am excited about something right. Something to do with writing.

The whole editing thing got me down, I know that. I wasn't having fun, I killed my buzz. I'll confess that it was hard work, not initially but once I realized everything that needed to be done it seemed like hard work and I had no energy. I mean I still have very little energy but I am beginning to feel a little more alive. I know it wasn't just about the novel, it was early pregnancy, lol at least I have that. The first pass at editing was actually fun, and relatively easy, it was the more in depth stuff that I just didn't have the focus for - I am pretty sure that after April, either in May or June I will get back into it and get it done, I want that thing out in the world looking for a home well before the end of the year.

So this is me. Back with a little more focus, a little more hope, a little more energy and some drive.

Script Frenzy

2008-03-29T08:30:00.002+13:00

It just kind of hit me that the start of April is just days away now. And I haven't lifted my pen to outline my script or anything - strangely, when writing a script I DO outline, where as I don't really (not beyond the first half of the book anyways) while I am writing a novel.
I'm not sure why this is. It's something I'm definitely going to have to think about during the next week or so.
My idea is old, so old, and... whats the best word to describe it? Designed to make the viewer feel uncomfortable. Written so that you are not entirely sure whether the main character is a good guy or a bad guy, or just you know, an every day guy, the kind of guy you might be sitting next to in the movie theatre.
I'm looking forward to finally seeing it come to fruition.
While cleaning out the cupboards in this room yesterday I came across my folder from my script writing paper, and the last script I wrote, all of which is now sitting on my desk waiting for me to go through again and get my head into the script writing zone.
I'm very aware of the fact that I failed nanoedmo this month. I don't want to fail another challenge. And I know I'm tired, and growing a baby, and feeling sick and all that jazz but sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough reason to fail. So I'm going to do better in April.

But for now, a coffee, or maybe a nap. (wow, I've only been up for two hours and I'm already thinking about a nap...)

Ultrasound #1

2008-03-27T09:30:00.002+13:00

I think I forgot to mention that I FINALLY got my appointment letter for an ultrasound. Monday 31st, 2.30pm. Not that far to go now, have been feeling quite nervous/anxious about it, knowing that it will either confirm that everything is going ok (and give a better idea on due date) or give me bad news. While there is nothing at all to suggest that the news is going to be anything other than good, the initial Dr's appointment where she freaked me out and told me she thought it was abnormal sits constantly in the back of my mind. It'll be great to know one way or the other, but I'm still going to be nervous about it until its over with.

Trashing The Dress

2008-03-26T07:06:00.002+13:00

Except that it's really not trashed! lol it should really be called 'doing unconventional things in wedding dresses'.
Here are some of the shots from the afternoon, not all of them by any means. The black and white ones seem to go a bit funny when I make them smaller, so it takes ages to upload them original, the colour ones don't seem to have the same problem so much, very odd. Ah well, here they are lol.

THE most fun ever

2008-03-23T19:38:00.002+13:00

I had that today, the most fun. It was awesome and while I am totally exhausted right this minute I am still buzzing, hours after the last photo was taken.
A couple friends and I 'trashed' my wedding dress. Decked out as though it was my wedding day we took a trip to the beach where I climbed atop a tunnel, crawled through grass, stood beneath a dying tree, climbed a cliff, sat on a throne carved into the stone, went through a cave and went swimming in a river and the ocean itself. I'll post some of the pics as soon as I get them! Very keen to see how they turned out. We had an absolute blast and the level of attention we got was on some levels astonishing! lol I guess it's not every day you see a 'bride' fooling around at the beach. So many people took photos of me, lots of people asked whether I was getting married that day (well, prior to me stepping into the waves.....) plenty of them came down from the cliffs above to get a closer look at what was going on, and many walked past with strange looks on their faces like they wanted to say/ask something but just couldn't get the words out - hilarious. lol I was laughing the whole afternoon, I can't think of a better way to spend a sunday avo than out and about taking bunches of interesting photos! Am really looking forward to seeing how they turn out.

And on another front, my brother just called to say that he got a new job! They are going sharemilking and we're going to rent their house! Freedom from the evil nasty steep driveway, I was having nightmares about being here late in the pregnancy and not being able to get out to a hospital or something, it's not the most child friendly of houses, nor the most pregnancy friendly either, so it will be great to be somewhere thats easier to get in and out of - not entirely sure what Dad will think but thats ok! (seeing as we rent from dad) we'll have to work really hard to get the place looking super tidy and wonderful for the next lot of people who rent here, two months is lots of notice.

What a great day!

hmm

2008-03-19T15:49:00.003+13:00

Every day I tell myself - today I'm gonna get my act together, get stuff done, make a dent on the editing, do the housework etc etc.
Every day I fail at getting much done at all. I'm just so tired, and lethargic, and sick feeling. It's terribly hard to get motivated to do even the smallest of things. But I know they have to be done, and I know that I can't be lazy forever, I have to get moving again. Must summon energy.
The lack of caffeine probably isn't helping, but they say you shouldn't drink coffee while you're pregnant and it's not like it's good for me anyways. I'm gonna fall down in other areas, this is one I know I can hold my ground in - if i can just make it through til a time when I have some energy again. Oh please Gods tell me there is a time I'll have some energy again?

And the big news is...

2008-03-17T10:04:00.002+13:00

I'm pregnant.

Ta da! Just like that.

So I have known for a couple weeks now, but didn't want to mention it until I thought that everything was okay - initially my Dr. freaked me out by saying that she thought it was abnormal, but its worked out that things are normal and I'm just not as far along in the pregnancy as she thought I was. Which is good. I was stressing out for a good solid week before she called me to say that she thought everything was normal and on track.

And now I am waiting for an ultrasound, it would put all my worries to rest and give us a date to go on. As it is I really have no idea when I got pregnant, but going from my hormone levels at my last blood test I'm around 7 weeks now.

I have been waiting two weeks for an appointment card, and nothing. So I rang this morning and I'm not even on their list/in their system. So I had to call the Dr's and get them to send another request through, which means more waiting - the ultrasound place couldn't even give me a rough estimate to go on for how long I can expect to wait for one. It's all a little frustrating.
I have never been good at patience. Never. Waiting = bad. I just want to know that everything is okay.

On the other side of things we are totally thrilled to be pregnant. It's probably happened while I was on the pill (don't freak out anyone who uses it!! I've managed like ten years without any accidents lol this is the first), and before the wedding, all of which is totally fine by me.
I don't care that people are going to count back and realize that I was knocked up before getting married, I'm having a baby! And that is super cool. I've been waiting for this for years now, and finally, it's happened and so quickly and easily and it's just really wonderful.

I knew it was going to be a big year, and my goodness it really is :-)

OK. I'm IN.

2008-03-14T09:23:00.002+13:00

I just got email from the nanowrimo team, about ScriptFrenzy - and I am in. For some reason I thought it was a word count total that you had to get to, but no, it's merely a page total, 100 pages to be more precise. I remember writing my script for my script writing paper and I think it had to be 60 pages, and it took me like 3 days. So I can totally find time to write 100 pages during April, even though I will undoubtedly be juggling editing still during that month.
I've had this idea burning away inside me for years now. YEARS. And the only reason I didn't write it for my class was because I really thought the idea was just going to be too out there to get a good grade - (as it was I wrote about succubi anyways, which is really I guess, not that common either...).

Anyways. I'm making a commitment to sign up and get this script out of my head and onto the page.

I DID my 10K for the fantasy challenge, I'm working on my 50 hours for editing - I will get there, trust me. Yeah I know, I'm only 10.5 hours in and half the month is gone, but I can do this. I refuse to break it down into how many hours a day from here on in I need to do because that will make it seem harder....

Having something else to be excited about the month after this will help me get more stuck in. I don't need to think of a script idea as I have it, I don't need to research formatting because I know that - and in reality you don't actually have a hell of a lot on each page if you're formatting a script the way it should be, nothing like writing 100 pages of novel.

And with that, back to the editing before my first visitor of the day arrives!

sidetrackings

2008-03-13T09:23:00.001+13:00

I wisely decided not to get any more books out of the library yesterday. The more I'm reading, the less I am working on my own writing. And while I think reading it important, I've definitely been hiding in books recently instead of writing - I had my reasons, but no more hiding in books.
Secondly, man I just love the Sweeney Todd soundtrack. I mean, I loved the movie and it's so great to be able to listen to the songs. I am such a sucker for musicals - and anything with Johnny Depp.

beginnings

2008-03-12T11:12:00.003+13:00

Beginnings are very important, its important to get them right.
And so, moments after sitting down in front of the laptop/novel, with two versions of 'the beginning' in front of me, I begin to question which one is the right one to go with.

Originally the story starts with a death, it gets the story moving quite quickly but then we slip into some back story - which is important, before picking back up where the intro left off.
The new beginning, starts with a wedding, and the first inklings that the MC's sister has married a control freak. After this I am imagining that time will zip forward until the MC moves in with her sister and takes over the business due to her sisters illness, which then leads to the death, and the rest of the story.

I don't know which way to do this. After writing it like that, possibly the second way seems the best, though in reality, the story isn't about the wedding, or the marriage, or the sister who dies so much as it's about the MC and her relationship with her sister, her nephew, and the other mysteries which are not even hinted at in the beginning of the novel (well, in rewrites there will be some hints, just so that the reader is prepared, though it's never come up as an issue for any of the people who have read it so far).

I'm aware that too much back story can sink a story, but then I am also really wary of starting a story in the wrong place. Too early or too late can be killers for a good story.

I want the focus to be on what the story is about, not on the back story - which leads me to the conclusion that I should stick with the original opening, and find ways of incorporating all the relevant, important information into the story without drowning the reader in it. It won't be that hard, I just have to be a little bit clever about how I do it.

And now to figure out how to do that....

Query: For people who have edited novels before, do you break the whole thing up into scenes and/or chapters before you start editing? or do it all in one big document?

P.S: Thank you ten minute blog for clearing that all up for me!

Seriously, where is the month going?

2008-03-12T10:59:00.003+13:00

We are almost halfway in - now that freaks me out. How did this happen?
So, every other day I say to myself "yeah, I am going to get WAY into my editing tomorrow" and it never really seems to eventuate. Today, I am though. I have every intention of it. I am full to brimming of good intentions.
In fact, after I post this I am turning on the laptop and writing.
I've been getting bits of editing done here and there, I worked on a short story instead of the novel the other day, which I think helped me get back into the mindset of it. I can do this, I will do this.
What motivates me more is that a friend has had his full manuscript requested - now, he's not getting too excited about this but I am. It shows that people can get this requested, sure I know, it's not been accepted or anything yet, but hey, in a world where you are always being told that you'll never make it, that there is so little hope, when you know someone who has had a full requested it shows that there IS hope. I mean sure, it means that there is one less slot for you to fill.... lol not really, we don't write the same kinds of things anyways ;-)
Ok, off to write/edit. I can do this.

Sunday. 9th

2008-03-09T08:20:00.003+13:00

Wow, I have blown 8 days of the month already, thats pretty scary!

The happy news: I'm feeling more motivated than I have in a long time. I think, thanks to some alternate opinions on whats going on with me and getting back into some exercise. I feel more together at the very least, and that helps. And I am loving adding some words to my WIP!! I really do adore the story, unfortunately I thought up some massive time killers that could be 'useful' for it... but they are time wasters.... so I am going to try and avoid, even though it would be pretty fun lol.

The not so happy news: the laptop is now lasting only like 20minutes sans powercord. That is not long!!! I took it to bed last night, thinking yeah no worries, I can get to 7k easily before it dies.... well, no such luck, in fact I don't think I even got to 6500... It is pretty tragic, unfortunately there is nothing which can be done about this. I have to wait and hopefully something will come up - Simon says that I don't really need a laptop, but then, on the other hand, there are ones out there that are BETTER than my computer - maybe what I really need is to get one of those and forget about the upgrades? I know having two computers is pretty wasteful (two just for me that is) but I have found it really helpful to only write on the other one, and to game/waste time on this one. When it comes down to it, I find it impossible to get focused on writing when I am sitting right next to Simon and hes gaming... and both of the PC's are on the same desk, we're side-by-side gamers (very cute), but not very helpful for the writing thing. I like sitting next to him when we play games, I don't want that to change. But I really do need to be able to escape his lovely presence in order to focus on the writing side of things. Ah well, something will come up! lol
Even if I do sell a novel this year (which, in all honesty who knows if it will happen), I am gonna have to put the money into savings - I had promised myself a new laptop, but I think it's more important that we have savings. Savings = getting into a new house. Though, whether we'll ever be able to do that with the one income is yet another story and I am too scared to actually look at the details! lol.
Ok, better get some work done before little one needs me again. I'd love to finish the 10K writing challenge today, so thats what I am going to push forward with, and then tomorrow get stuck into the editing once and for all.

catching up

2008-03-06T14:34:00.002+13:00

I've decided that - I can do it. It's just a matter of putting in the effort when I can.
Today I cannot. I think I am going to have to accept that any day that it's just me and the little one all day I'm going to get hardly anything done at all. If I accept that, I don't have to spend ages beating myself up over getting so little done. What it means that I need to make up for that on the three days a week that she has care for a few hours.
Today, I wish that she was in care, I so need a little space. She refused to stay at home with Simon this morning when I had to get another blood test done, I even faked a phone call with the blood lab in which they 'advised' me that she couldn't come, she forced the phone into my hand and made me fake a call back to say that she would be coming with me.
I had some other stuff to say, but I desperately need to get her out of the house so we are going to go and visit the ducks at the park.

arg

2008-03-05T12:15:00.002+13:00

Stupid Word...I can't seem to make it stick to an NZ dictionary for spell checking and whatnot. It's driving me nuts - specially because I keep missing the fact that it keeps flicking back to US dictionary because I am so used to reading US text books.
Does it matter a lot? If you are submitting globally, probably not. If you are submitting within NZ then it may do. We're not a big country, but we are a fairly proud one right, you'd think the least we could do is spell correctly for our own country.

I fail

2008-03-05T08:09:00.002+13:00

At this writing gig anyways. I am feeling a lot of failing. Something always seems to come up. Big somethings. I find it hard to write when those big somethings hit.
Last month it was the wedding, a good big something. This month, well, I'm not going to go into it, but it's one of those sad and tragic somethings. I just hope that I can pull it together well enough to manage to complete even one of the challenges that I set myself this month.
Fingers crossed.
Little one is in care this afternoon and I shall attempt to focus myself.

Day 2

2008-03-03T07:40:00.001+13:00

Day 2 did not go so well, everyone was home, people came and went, pain was consistent and so was my level of 'tired'.
So... Edmo: 1/50 hours
March Fantasy Madness Challenge: 2033.

I really do hate getting off to such a slow start. But I have to admit that weekends are never good for my writing. This coming week should be awesome though as Simon is working 2pm-10pm, there won't be the temptation to play games, I can instead focus on the writing. That's the plan anyways!
Getting my hair cut today and still deciding just how different I want to get it done. We shall see! Will post a pic if it's really very different lol.

Day 1

2008-03-02T07:34:00.002+13:00

I know that technically it's day two, but there is no way I could post my daily accomplishments on the actual day they were done.
SO:
March Madness Challenge: 2033/10,000 words
NaNoEdMo: 30mins/50hours.

I didn't really do a lot on the editing thing yesterday, and am really hoping that I manage to get in there and nail some more time today, or I'll really start falling behind and the earlier I do that, the worse it always is for me.

Simon was called into work last night at 730 and didn't get home til 1am, so I had a fairly early night due to the pain in my back, read some, slept, slept badly though, waking up every time I tried to turn over. By 1am when he got home I'd developed a sore throat as well woohoo. So, tired, and sore this morning, not the best combination but I will just have to make it work for me.
Oh, had a really long chat with my brother last night who is dead keen on me writing the novel I'm editing for edmo into a script and made into a movie. LOL, he thinks I should sell the book and then sell the movie, it's so lovely when your loved ones think you have so much potential.

And March is on!

2008-03-01T08:44:00.002+13:00

It's here, it's here!!!
And I am tired.... lol I just realized about 15 minutes ago that it was actually the new month. Wooo, go go sleep deprived brain.
I went out with a couple of my friends last night, we had fun. I was sober and I still had fun, which is fantastic. We chilled at Sarah's for a couple hours, chatting, then went into town and played some pool, had a big of a boogie and then went down to the beach for a midnight swim. I was the only one who got in very far... lol the others just rolled their pant legs up and paddled. Admittedly the water was pretty dark, and there was a chilly breeze, the water was so nice tho! It's a very safe beach in the port though, it was refreshing, enlivening, took me back to my teenage years when anything was a possibility and ever suggestion was considered.
I think I'll be doing things like that more often.

Anyways.... I should really start something today! I have two weeks to write 10K, and in those two weeks I also need to get at least 25 hours of editing done. My brain isn't functioning well enough to be able to do the math there - other than to suggest that today, I really need to get a good start! I think I will begin with getting a good start on the fantasy challenge, and then move onto some editing later this evening, we'll see how it goes.
We're having a roast post for dinner tonight, followed by some home made dessert, and then a DVD. I'm looking forward to it. It feels like awhile since we just kicked back and relaxed for an evening rather than trying to get things done.

broken printer grrr

2008-02-29T10:47:00.002+13:00

Why now??
It's quite frustrating, because I was planning on printing something out so that I could make some notes on it, work on it... but no. I can't print anything at all, it just refuses to feed the paper through. It thinks it is, but it's not. It's printing onto itself, not paper.
It's just over two years old, and has been worked really hard over those two years, printing many hundreds of photos, endless pages of assignments and novels. So it has done well, I just wish it could have held in there for a little longer.
The good news is that Simon said we can get a new one anytime, a better one ooooooo *giggles gleefully* How grand.

March is nearly here!

2008-02-29T08:14:00.003+13:00

And it is going to have to be a big one - I signed up for NaNoEdMo a couple days ago which requires 50 hours of editing on your novel. It's a pretty big number, but I am well aware that I really need to get to work and get this done and am hoping that this will help to spur me on in a mad dash towards completion come the end of March.
Aside from this, I also, much earlier, had signed up for the March Fantasy Madness challenge over at Kiwiwriters. And I want to do that as well - we'll see how this pans out. My original plan was to have all my editing done by now, but the reality is that the wedding, pre and post, took up a lot more of my time and resoures than I ever imagined that it would. I've been quite sick, tired, trying to re-energize, but finding it hard to focus in on what needs to be done with the writing side of my life.
The editing was meant to be done. I was going to do that 10k in the first two weeks of March to kick start me back into the WIP, and all was going to be well, I was hoping to have the first draft finished by the end of March so that I could get into Script Frenzy come April.
It would have to be a hugely productive month in order for both the editing of one novel and the first draft of another to be complete.
So we'll see how it goes... lol, there is very little else going on in my life right now so it should be fine. But then, it's easy to say that now, and very easy for things to come up which get in the way - must focus, must try my best, and get myself back on track. If it comes to it I will once again flag Script Frenzy, though I was sad to miss out on it last year and feel ready to write the script that I have been wanting to since I did a paper on script writing, I wasn't brave enough to make it an assignment though because I wasn't sure I could pull it off well enough to get a good grade. It needs to be written though, if not this year, then next I guess.

Revision.

2008-02-27T14:10:00.002+13:00

One thing which I have always remembered from one of the writing papers I did through my degree was a tutor who considered that the story you write the first time should never be the same as the final version of it - while I never really agreed with him on that (and cringed hugely at the requirement that the final version of the story we submitted for our final assignment be at least 60% different from the original) I can see now that there is some merit in the idea.
I don't necessarily think that the story has to be different, but I do think I am coming around to the idea that you need to think harder, push your story more, try different things out for size before you can really settle on how it will be in the end.
Revision he would say, was a re envisioning of the story - and I know he would have been happier if the original and the final product barely resembled each other at all, I know for a fact that those whose stories were so incredibly radically different from the originals got better marks than those whose stories did not change much at all.
Mostly this has arisen in relation to the novel that I am currently editing - after reading The Complete Guide to Editing Your Fiction by Michael Seidman, who has similar thoughts on making sure you really explore the ideas you have and try different things out to see what works best. I decided that my story was not 'enough'. For want of a better way to describe it. It's a good story - I know that because a lot of people have told me. I have a friend who has read it like three times now and claims she loves it, and thats wonderful. But I have decided that I want to make it the best story that I can, and in order to do that, I need to push it further. It needs to be 'more'.
The fear now is will I make it too much? Will it grow too out there, too over the top? When will I know that it's just right? I can't know until I try though, can I.
Originally I was worried about it not really fitting into a particular category, I think I was worried that 'Urban fantasy' just wouldn't cut it. But that's what it is, and I have decided not to try and force it into being something other than that. I could, but I don't think that would make it a better story, I think it would make it worse - thats pretty much how I felt when I did my final assignment for that tutor, who I loathed in so many ways, it was a creative writing paper, not a literature writing paper and he really went nuts on me over the story I wrote that was a 'genre piece', it's a good story, I liked it. I rewrote the other story instead, because I wasn't so fond of it, I rewrote it exactly how I knew he would want me to. And I got a good grade, and felt disgusted with myself.
I guess sometimes you have to write for a certain market in order to get the payoff, and as long as you LIKE the market then thats fantastic. For now I'm not going to force myself to write something I don't think I will enjoy simply to make it more marketable though. I'll write the stories/novels I want to, and see where it takes me. I am sure I will experiment with different genres and styles, and eventually there will be something that works for me. I am sure of it.

Horray for photos!

2008-02-25T08:21:00.000+13:00

So, I scanned in some of the pics I got yesterday.... so keen to share am I!
They aren't very high quality but they will certainly do for now. Prepare yourselves for a slideshow, and after this... I will try and stop talking about the wedding!

photos

2008-02-24T19:29:00.000+13:00

Once I scan some in I will put a couple more up, we got some absolutely stunning pics from my friend Tamara today, who works for our photographer and tagged along taking plenty of her own - they are so good!!! I can't imagine how his are going to be better but she is sure they are lol.
I can't think about anything else right now, despite the fact that I have this big post in my head from pre photo time today about my editing situation. That post will have to wait until tomorrow. Tonight, my head is reliving the wedding and glorying at how amazing these photos are!

whats that word again? derailed? distracted? off target?

2008-02-22T15:16:00.002+13:00

So, almost a week after the wedding and I feel like I have done nothing since - I can call it recovery time, I can call it slacking off, I could make many excuses - but the reality is that I just have not done a thing. The house work is getting done, the little one is being looked after and amused, I started reading a book on editing, but that is about it.
And I feel a little disappointed in myself, because I was sure that I was going to be getting back into things straight after the wedding and it just hasn't eventuated, and I have nothing/no-one to blame but myself.
And what am I going to do about it??
I'm not sure.
I feel a little lost I think, I'm lacking a little direction, unsure of where exactly I want my life to go from here - I mean, I have a list of goals and I could work my way down them and that would be all very well. But I feel like right now is a good time to reassess things, and set myself on a course of action I will truly be happy with.
Parts of me are toying with working on a couple short ideas, polishing short stories, submitting, hoping to get something, anything published and I realize that is the part of me that wants a little instant gratification, a quick fix to me feeling like my writing is going somewhere. On the other hand I really want to finish rewrites and editing on the first novel so that I can get that out into the world. But right now I am feeling a little conflict over that as well.
I could take it in so many directions. I could increase the NZ content and boost it's chances of selling within NZ, or I could boost the 'romance' side of it and submit to any number of places which publish romance. There are other directions I could go with it, and I just can't say right now which one is the right path for the book. I don't know who I could possibly ask who could give me the right kind of advice on it either.
I think what I really need to do is sit down and thoroughly explore what it is I want from my writing - why am I doing this? What are my goals within writing? Do I want to sell books, or write the books that I want to? are they part of the same goal?
And in the meantime - how on earth am I going to make some money?? Writing is not one of those careers you can hedge your bets on, it's never guaranteed that you'll make anything from it. So while I am sitting around, waiting to get pregnant and become a mother for the second and first time, what do I do??
It's complicated. The fact of the matter is that it's next to impossible to get extra hours of childcare, I have 18 set hours and trying to find a job which works within that schedule is impossible. Not only that, but the jobs that I have applied for, which would have been wonderful, seem to think that I'm not worth employing, or maybe that they couldn't pay me enough or that I would take off at the next best offer due to the fact they aren't highly skilled jobs and yet I am, in several areas, highly skilled, well educated, really, who takes a uni graduate with a double major seriously when they are applying to be a check out chick, or work behind the counter in a retail store? So do I work nights and miss out on quality time with my man? Do I work weekends and miss out on the only time we really have together as a family? What is more important, making some extra money (feeling like I am bringing some financial benefit into the family), or ensuring that our little unit is as solid as it can be? Do I lie my omission about my quals? I just don't know, I really don't. Maybe I should become an Avon lady.
All I can do is hope that a solution presents itself in the near future. Something is bound to come my way right?
The path of my novel has got to become clear soon as well. And I shall try and avoid distraction, get back to work on the big projects, and work on the small ones in my downtime. Number one priority is getting this edit complete so that I can get it out in the world and get back to working on the WIP. There is a massive list of things that need writing/rewriting/editing/submitting this year, and I need to get on top of it.
if only I knew for sure which way to take this novel....

vows

2008-02-21T08:32:00.000+13:00

I almost forgot that I said I would post them here, lol:

Simon, I knew from the moment you first slipped your hand into mine that you were the one I wanted to spend my life with. You are my sun, my moon, my other half – my one.
I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to be your comfort when you need it.I will ease your pain and worries, and rejoice in your successes. I will hold safe the love and trust you place in me. And as a symbol of my commitment to you, I give you this ring with all that I am and all that I will be.

updates

2008-02-20T08:34:00.007+13:00

If anyone had told me that it would take me til Wednesday to feel 'recovered' from the wedding, I would have laughed at them. No way!! But that is pretty much how it feels.
Friday we went down to set up the venue, it looked awesome, the girls put in a lot of hours helping us get it right. It was actually a lot of fun for the most part though I was pretty tired by the time I left the squash club at 3.30. Then it was off to get my nails done, and then pick Ivy up from daycare, back home to meet and greet Simon's sister and her family, then out to see his parents at their hotel, back home for dinner and getting the kids to bed. Then to Dad's to catch up with all the aussie/out of town people, and then over to Mum's to make sure she hadn't messed up the sleeves on the guys shirts. And then home again, to try and sort the music play lists out - and then of course the kids woke up throughout the night several times, so it wasn't much of a sleep when I did finally get to bed.
I woke up just after 7, normal time, and we had a few hours to kill until we had to start getting ready, so I fiddled with the play lists again, did the dishes (stuffing my nails up, good work! lol only the non ring finger hand so it wasn't too bad, forgot I had them done!), popped up to the shop and cooked bacon and eggs for breakfast. About 10 his family went out for awhile, and we got Ivy sorted for a nap.
I headed out at 11 to pick up the flowers and then grab some food for while we were getting ready, and arrived out at our hotel unit just before 12. The hairdresser and make up woman were early as well, so it was just as well I was! My BM, brother and their little one showed up shortly after that and things got kicked off. Hair in curlers, everyone busy.
Mum arrived with the dresses about the same time that Leisha and Auburne made it out there with Ivy - who was horrified by the things which appeared to be trying to eat my head. She wasn't too keen on all the people floating around me either and made that hugely clear. Leisha and Aubs did an awesome job of distracting her though and we managed to get through the preparation fairly painlessly, she was a lot more happy when it was her turn to get her hair done and she could have some cuddles with me.
The boys arrived just after that, along with my Dad and stepmum, Nana, and Uncle who was doing a little bit of videoing. The photographer as well, and it was all on. I got my dress on (and then ended up having to carry Ivy down two flights of stairs in my wedding dress) and we got into some group photos.
They were done so quickly and then it was out the door and onto the rest of the photos!
Jase had a hard time getting my car started, lol every time we had to get moving again I'd have to lean across and get the key turned for him, it was quite funny really! Ivy was really well behaved the whole time and I am sure we are going to get some lovely photos. We went down to east end first and had some beneath the bridge there, and in the sand, and then went to the foreshore - I think most people who get married in NP have some foreshore photos! there are some lovely spaces there for taking pics, I can't wait to see them all.
Anyways, time flew by, and I was getting quite tired of smiling, and hungry too! because of course I forgot to eat a lot while we were getting ready. 4.30 rolled around and we made it to my brothers place just after that, only to find that the MP3 player which had all the dinner and ceremony music on it was suddenly not working despite the fact I had fully charged it the night before.... all good, I decided not to stress about it and told Sam to pick something for me to walk into, and just put some easy listening music onto it for playing during dinner. So the boys headed off, at 445 - remember the ceremony was meant to be 5pm - they had to pick the best mans wife up on the way and I was keen to leave myself. So we gave them 5 minutes, and then piled into the cars. Mine was awesome, man, it was so sweet driving down to the wedding in that baby. Beautiful lime green/almost yellow 1936 Chevy Coupe. Hot!!! We followed my Dad down, who had Paula-Lee and Ivy with him, though we paused for a couple minutes a km down the road to make sure that everyone else made it there before we did. I was excited then, not nervous at all like I expected to be, I was actually getting married, in mere moments!!
Everyone was milling around down there, of course they could hear us coming before they saw us, so they were poised with what felt like a million cameras waiting. Never felt more like a star than then, as they flashed away, I climbed out of the car and refused to walk down to the break in the fence, simply stepping over it instead, gave the crowd a bit of a giggle! They all moved into place and I could hear OpShops 'no ordinary thing' wafting through the air, it was perfect, they couldn't have picked a better song!
The ceremony was really nice, though, I have to confess there were bits I didn't listen to, I rewrote the thing, I knew what was in there! So I shared smiles with Simon, made sure Ivy was ok, and passed on smiles to those who caught my gaze in the crowd. Soon enough it was time for the vows. And the moment I'll never forget!!
Jason pulls out the box with the rings in it, and the necklace that we were giving to Ivy is so tightly tangled around my ring that it takes them 5 minutes to get it undone. I laughed so hard, lol triumphantly pulled Simon's ring from the box and held it aloft. It was soooooo funny, lol though i think Jason felt like it was his fault, I hadn't even thought about the fact they might tangle when I had given it to him!! hehe. Will be a good story for years to come. Anyways, they finally got it free, and Simon said his vows, which were so perfect, I don't know why I had worried about how they might turn out. He slipped my ring onto my finger, and it felt so good. That was the first time I cried. The second time was when I said my vows, declaring to the world that this was the man for me. Simon shed a tear as well, and then we were husband and wife!!!
It was quite short, but so perfect. So good for us. The sea behind us gave a beautiful ever changing backdrop for it, sometimes light, sometimes dark. Calm and turbulent - a good metaphor for life really.
We did the group photos after signing the register, I made sure to hug everyone and thank them for coming, then we had a couple more photos of just Simon and I before heading back to the squash club for dinner.
We spent about 10 minutes sitting around inside one of the rooms out of sight, waiting for my mothers side of the family to show up, when it was just after 630 though I made an executive decision to just go in!! I have no idea what song we walked into, I doubt that anyone else could tell you now - and I wonder just why I spent so much time thinking about those things, when it came down to it, the music barely mattered at all. So we sat, and the speeches began, I think I cried a little during each. My Dad said all the things I have waited so long to hear, my mother in law confirmed my place in her family, my Mum put everyone at ease and made them feel so very welcome, and Jason did a fantastic job on his speech as well, I can't forget to mention my brother who was a fantastic MC, really easy going and laid back - he was even told he was better than our Dad heh. Simon and I did brief speeches, which both went really well, I think by the time it got to us neither one of us felt nervous about it anymore, and we hadn't prepared anything so we just said what came to mind.
Dinner was awesome, SO much food, all so tasty. Spit roast is always so good, and this was no exception, everyone loved the mix of relaxing atmosphere while still a sense of formality. It was beautiful overlooking the sea, and all I can really say was that it was an amazing night. Everyone had a great time, people mingled and mixed beautifully, there were no dramas. The cake was a massive hit, most people seem to love carrot cake and my Mum and stepdad had done a phenomenal job on it.
I am just so blessed, to have so many wonderful people in my life, so many people pitched in to help with such a range of things before the wedding, and then throughout the day of the wedding as well. It was definitely a group effort, and according to the woman at the club one of the most organised ones she has ever seen happen down there, which was nice to hear.
We left the reception around 1130, only a few of my close friends stayed on, enjoying the music and the wine. We chilled out for a good long while before getting some sleep, and we both agree that it could not have been better.

And now for some pics!

Today's the day!

2008-02-16T09:43:00.001+13:00

Everything went exceptionally well with the set up yesterday, by the end of the day I was so exhausted though!! slept ok... up early, I think everything is as organized as it can be. And I'm getting married!!

3 days to go

2008-02-13T09:29:00.000+13:00

It's actually feeling a lot closer now.
I wrote my vows yesterday and that feels good (I'll post them after the wedding, lol don't want every man and his dog to know what I'm going to say before then), I rewrote the ceremony so that it's more us, which also feels good.
There is a small list of things which is yet to be done, yet to be organized, but I for some reason cannot seem to feel stressed about them - things will turn out how they do, and we'll just move along with the day regardless of whether things are happening the way they were intended to or not.
So, the last piece of wedding writing yet to be done is the speech. I dreamed about it last night, and that usually means I need to get onto it (the night before I wrote my vows I dreamed that the wedding happened and there were none at all, and I thought maybe I had just forgotten they happened but my dream Simon assured me that no, there were none), I love how my dreams prompt me to do the things I should.
I also made the dinner play list, and so it's just the dancing left to do and I'm hoping to accomplish that today! As well as: get my lashes tinted, book in to get nails done friday afternoon, do some cleaning around the house, edit another chapter, start writing my speech, mow the lawns, call the council re: getting the gate opened at the place we're getting married, drop in and see the celebrant, pay her, give her revised ceremony, take best man to mums for his shirt fitting.... yeah I think that's about it for the day :-)
Oh and I posted a new challenge on kiwiwriters!! haha I don't do that often, it may actually be my first. I have this real desire to write something a little horrific, and fun, and Urban Legends are perfect for that.

Saturday - one week to go

2008-02-09T18:33:00.000+13:00

It's been an interesting week. Every day I think about writing in here, and yet, this week, it's been something that has not happened at all. I don't want to say much more about the big issues, but just that it has been an interesting week.
We had Ivy's 3rd birthday party on Wednesday which went really well, she is such a big girl now, growing up so fast.

I'm glad I pulled it off, lol at least I now know that I can do a kids party!!
Been getting back into the editing as well and that has been good, almost finished with the first chapter that has really needed a lot of work. Changing the story slightly, adding plenty of things in, it's exciting!!!

please don't read if you want to avoid girly excitement

2008-02-05T12:20:00.000+13:00

I'M GETTING MARRIED! I'M GETTING MARRIED, I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woohoooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Bah

2008-02-05T08:46:00.001+13:00

I keep meaning to post, and then I don't... that's just me being slack and I feel like there is a lot of that going on lately.
I know it's not entirely true, but, it just feels that way.
Things are good! Wedding is under control, yay. We're having Ivy's birthday party tomorrow (instead of her actual B'day, the 7th), so am getting the house ready for that, and baking etc... fun things hehe. The novel is slowly being edited... by slowly, I really do mean slowly. At this rate I will be lucky to have half of it done by the time the wedding rolls around. I would have loved to have finished it off before then but am realizing that I just can't work my ass off like I normally would. I have a very big day coming up next weekend, or rather 3 big days with all the family being around and there being tonnes of expectations on me - I need to feel rested, and relaxed, which means letting some other things slide for now, and I'm ok with that.
Two nights ago my computer crashed and I lost all my bookmarks, which is a sad thing. I am sure there is some way to restore them, but I haven't looked for it - while I am gutted to lose them all, I know it needed to be chopped back some. Anything that was on there that was useful I will find again, or I will find something better. There were like 5 sites that I visited several times a day and of course I remember those! lol so it's just the more random ones.... ah well.

where did January go?

2008-01-31T18:41:00.000+13:00

It was devoured by the Novella and wedding plans, that is where it went.
Feels so weird to think that tomorrow is the first day of Feb, bringing us to two weeks before the wedding gets into motion. Two weeks from tomorrow we'll be setting up the venue, and welcoming guests in from out of town, finalizing all the details and we'll be almost ready for the wedding.
I have been so very stressed about it before now, until today anyways. Stressed to the point where it was taking me longer than an hour to get to sleep at night, so usually I wasn't asleep until after midnight. And you just can't function when you are over thinking that bad, stressed to the point where you are unable to make any movement.
I finally got a good nights sleep though, makes a world of difference. And then today the good things started happening. My cousin Tracey called me from Australia and told me she'd bought me a gift voucher at the mineral pools for a half hour private spa for me and then a one hour massage. It's just the sweetest thing she could do, I will so need it before the wedding lol, so it will probably be next week. And then my Dad rang to tell me that my uncle Greg from Australia had offered to video the wedding for us and edit it all up onto a DVD. How cool is that? there is no way we could have afforded to pay someone to do it, so it's an awesome gift for them to give.
So yes, feeling very blessed, and back in the wedding mood.

Thursday

2008-01-24T12:52:00.000+13:00

Ya know, I was sure I posted last night.... but apparently I didn't, I just thought about it.
I managed to get through three chapters of editing yesterday, albeit one chapter was very small, and another didn't need a lot of work done to it. I have no idea if I am doing it write, but I definitely feel like the story is getting better as I go.
I was hoping to get through another one today, and then another couple tomorrow but I am so tired - so I just don't know. I should probably have a coffee.
I've been gluing beads onto wires, making ends, it's slow work, and sticky... but they look good. Wine glass ring tag things... you know what I'm talking about I'm sure. Instead of name cards where people are going to sit there will be name tags on wine rings. 10 down.... just under 70 to go...
I looked up at the calendar before and realized that tomorrow, it's only 3 weeks til the fiasco begins. Friday we'll be setting up the reception venue and finalizing things, getting nails done, getting bags ready and hopefully not freaking out too much about everything.
It made me freak out when i realized it was only three weeks though. O M G. As well prepared and organized as I am, I can try and calm myself down by reminding me that I have pretty much everything covered, there is a list of things still to be done but thats ok, it's a list of things that couldn't, shouldn't, no not have to be done/looked at/finalized more than a couple of weeks out anyways... so yeah. We'll be good, it will be great, any minute now Cassie, you can stop freaking out...
I think I'm going to go and make that coffee.

Oh, I read the Novella last night, and I enjoyed it!!! So nice to feel that way about something, even so soon after writing it. I think novella's are good in some ways, you don't really have time to get bored of them or sick of them before they are done, so there is less angst involved in rereading it. Less time to forget what happened at the start, so it's a bit smoother in general. I think I will write more. When I have ideas that fit that length. There appears to be places that buy novellas (SF/F/Horror ones anyways), even if its not for much.

Ok, Coffee.

Tuesday

2008-01-22T21:56:00.000+13:00

Yeah, feeling un-imaginative on the title front again...
I can hardly believe it's tuesday already, time seems to be going by pretty fast at the moment and I really don't feel like I am getting anything done.
No editing this week (well, I started a little tonight but I haven't made much progress, I don't think it counts). No new writing done this week. No reading done this week - feeling a bit bad about all of that but I was feeling quite off Sunday/Monday and have only just started to come right today, and even then, it was a little touch and go.
Browsing through the junk mail made me motivated - I saw some laptops, I so want a new laptop. SO tomorrow, come rain or shine, I am going to be here sitting at my crusty old laptop editing. I'm looking forward to it.
My Monday afternoon was filled with appointments. I had my eyes checked and got new contacts, I went and exercised, and I met with the florist who is doing all the flowers for the wedding. Everything seems to be under control there, she seems so confident with what she has planned that even though I wasn't sure about what I wanted I couldn't help but believe she will do a wonderful job on it. I sometimes wish I had a better idea about what I wanted, it would help. I'm about 80% sure I'll be happy with what she is going to do. She knows better than I, she is the professional and I am choosing to have some faith there.
I think all the wedding stuff is coming together. I started making the beaded sandals for myself and the girls, well, I have done Ivy's pair, so now just to do Paula-Lee's and my own. I made my earrings, I have drawn up a couple of designs for necklaces, one of which is almost completed, and the other which I'll have a play around with tomorrow. I think I'll end up making 3 or 4, and then getting some opinions about which will work best. It's hard though, tying everything in, have never made a complete set of jewelry before so it's an interesting process for me. While I want it to be a little bit different, I still want it to tie in with the wedding dress and not look out of place - less is probably more in this situation so the beads I'm using are very subtle. Will probably throw a bracelet together tomorrow, though I may or may not wear it yet.
I made a flower pendant out of paua shell which someone can wear, probably Ivy, not sure yet... lol wait til closer to the day, still have to find something to hang it from though I am sure I'll figure it out soon enough.
Someone told me I was being silly trying to make the jewelry, but its a fun process, another creative outlet I guess and because it's time consuming and quite focused work threading beads onto various kinds of threads it kind of numbs the mind and puts you into a zone where you don't actually have to think about anything and right about now thats a nice thing to be able to do. An hour here and my mind blanks out on wedding stuff is a blessing!
Nothing else new really, just ticking along. 25 days til the wedding now.... 16 days til Ivy's birthday. Must get into planning that as well!!
Oh I have made arrangements to have some different photos done a couple weeks after the wedding, a la Trash the Dress style. I think it'll be a blast! I have a couple good friends who take beautiful photos, and once I have them I can manipulate them to my hearts content. More fun things to play with and keep me occupied once this wedding is gone and I don't have anything to plan/stress about - well, other than editing and submitting my first novel!!!

hmm..

2008-01-19T08:10:00.001+13:00

So, I didn't get any editing done yesterday..... it was a day full of other things, so there was no time... literally, none. I got a lot of things done in the morning, then after my lash tint (go-go-wedding-prep) I got a call from some friends who we play World of Warcraft with, they were in town (from Australia), so we had some lunch and they came back to our place and we watched DVD's, and talked, and ate, and drank... was a really enjoyable night and it's so nice to know that some people are just exactly who they seem to be, and as easy company offline as they are online. I think they left just before midnight... and were driving two hours back to where they were staying, probably a lot later than they had intended! Oh well, I guess that happens sometimes. Hopefully they had a nice enough evening, probably won't find out until they get back to Australia and we see them in game lol.
So no, there was no time for editing.
Technically that doesn't put me behind my original plans, seeing as I was just to have the note making/chapter breaking part of the business done by the end of yesterday and that is completed. So if I find some time over the weekend I'll be doing some editing, other wise I'll kick into it late Monday afternoon after yet more appointments.....
28 days to go!!! four weeks today!!!

ahead of schedule - oh my!

2008-01-17T08:56:00.000+13:00

How did that happen?? lol that almost never happens....
I managed to get through the entire novel yesterday making notes. I realized when I was about 12 pages in that I was going too deep, and actually trying to edit as I went and it was taking way too long and was really quite tiring.
So I stopped that and just went through checking consistency/fact/other things like that and adding comments when things weren't quite right or where I needed to add scenes.
It turns out my whole novel takes place over 3 weeks - 2 of which are pretty much summed up in a short space of time, brushed over so that the action can kick in again.
After 3 days my character is in love? I mean, yeah thats a book thing right, and they do have this intense situation and intense feelings, but I think I am gonna have to add a few days in there, develop the characters more, develop their relationship more.... which is good cause I need more words, lots of the characters need a little more development and thats cool, I don't find that hard to do anyways. At least now I know where I stand.
I hadn't planned any actual work for today (in fact, had thought I might need it to catch up on what I didn't think I was going to get through today...) but I think I'll sort the chapters out while little one has her nap this afternoon, and then get into actual editing/rewriting tomorrow!
Fingers crossed it's not as painful as people make it out to be....

I know I have already said that I don't think it's going to be done before the wedding - I can hope that it will be though. Would be nice to have that done so that afterwards I can work on where to submit it etc, and then move onto finishing the first draft of the WIP. My days are already filling up with appointments though, there are three afternoons without Ivy and thats really the easiest time to go meet with various places about various things, but it does cut into my work time.
I refer to writing/editing as work now... how weird is that? lol fun work, but work nonetheless! I am not sure how that transition was made but it means I am a lot more dedicated and I can apply my very good work ethics to the practice of writing.
Anyways... better go and play some or I'll get told off!

Wednesday

2008-01-16T10:43:00.000+13:00

I can't believe it's halfway through the week already... whats more it's the 16th, which means that in one month it'll be our wedding day. Far out!
Getting the marriage license today, better do that or there won't be a wedding right? lol, so weird to think that all the planning and work and time spent on this thing is actually going to be paying off in the very near future, I just hope that I don't get that post wedding slump that so many people talk about. Fingers crossed, there is certainly a lot to carry on with afterwards!

I started work on the novel I'm going to submit this year. I read it through. I enjoyed it. And now I am reading it again! lol I have looked at several different methods for editing novels and I started to try several of them, but I just wasn't sure about them... I probably gave up on them too soon, yes. But it's a learning curve for me and I am just going to have to fumble through it I think and if that means it takes me twice as long as it should then so be it, it's learning and I will know heaps more for the next time. I am sure just as the quality of your writing gets better each time you write a new piece, so too does the quality/speed/efficiency of your editing/rewriting stage.
So I'm doing a second read through, I'm making screeds of notes on it, things from time line issues, to facts that need checking, things that have been mentioned which I know weren't tied up, lots of the - well how did that happen? the other things you've written suggest this isn't possible (ie: MC gets on a plane, goes to be with dying sister at hospital, sister dies, she follows sisters wish for her to run off with her son, they drive away.... yeah where did that car come from?? the dying sister certainly didn't drive there and the MC isn't so stupid that even if sister did drive, she'd not drive off in it - sure fire way for the psycho husband to find them quickly! Ya know, the thing she's trying to avoid... hmm). I'm only ten pages in.... and while in some ways it seems really easy to do, it also feels quite tiring. I can pick up on a lot of the things with no problem, I think because I have so much space from it, it's more the thought about the hours I am going to have to put into it to make it better.
It's a good story, there are bits of it that I am so chuffed with, some lines that I just adore, and I have had heaps of feedback from other people who enjoyed it more than I do. So at least I know that it is only going to get better, it's just that I have to be mentally prepared to do the work. It's a little daunting, and I think I'll have to remind myself constantly that it's not crap because it's not - it's just that I'll be focusing so much on the crap to make it not so crappy...that I'm probably going to be spending a fair bit of time thinking it's crap. Maybe? lol we'll see right! early days yet.
So, by the end of the week the goal is to have gone through the whole thing again making millions of notes, and then have broken the story into chapters (which I never write in, but am already starting to see natural breaks in the story). And then next week I'll start working on it chapter by chapter, in order, so that consistency is kept and all is well with the world... estimating.... 4 chapters a week maybe? Seeing as my child is not really keen on letting me work a lot while shes awake and shes only in care 3 avo's a week. So i guess when I know how many chapters there are i'll have a better idea how long this whole thing is going to take... I can tell it won't be done before the wedding! lol

Sunday

2008-01-13T18:54:00.000+13:00

Well I had my hens night last night and it was a lot of fun. I think I was one of the less drunk people thankfully!!! There were a couple girls who were definitely in for big hangovers the next day. I'd been feeling off all day prior to the event, so that didn't help a lot. I felt alright this morning, though I could have done with more sleep!
Was so weird in some ways. I have been to a tonne of hens nights and at one point in the evening I realized this really was MINE lol and I'm getting married. OMG. There are only 34 days now til the wedding I think and everything is falling into place which is awesome!

On the writing front I finished my Novella today. Feels good to have it out of the way thought now I am torn between two things - edit the nano i'm planning to submit, or finish the WIP. The original plan was to push on with the WIP and leave the rewriting/editing til after the wedding, but several people have suggested I hold off on the WIP for now and get on with the editing/rewriting thing because thats what I am going to be submitting and the sooner it's out there the better. Which is true.
We'll see how I feel in the morning. It's all printed out and read for reading/note taking, so thats something. Not entirely sure how to go about it, but I guess I will learn as I go along.
Got some awesome feedback from my brother regarding my SoCNoC novel, he thinks it's awesome and is pushing for me to complete the WIP seeing as that means he'll get to find out what happens next sooner rather than later... Have no doubt I will get my sister in laws thoughts on it soon and then she will probably pass it along to her mother, and then my mother might get it. Lots of comments and things to think about! I think it will have gone through between 8-10 people before I get a chance to go back and do the work on it that needs doing. My brother suggested tho, writing the entire story first and then reworking it so everything ties in, a good thought i feel.
Feeling really weird about the novella, lol I think I'll leave it awhile before I even look at it again.