I think that pretty much sums up how I am feeling today.
I don't think I really know how to relax - I mean, I know how to procrastinate, but it's not really the same thing as relaxing because you know, you KNOW there are all these other things that you're meant to be doing and no matter how much you try to avoid those things, part of you is still thinking (obsessing) about them. Well, that's how it works for me anyways....
For as long as I can remember there have been a million and one things on my plate. I've been working, and studying and helping my friends out with the numerous issues, I've been dealing with my own issues, moving houses, cities, obtaining pets, and so many other things. Big things, at the time they were big anyways.
Next year I don't feel like I'm doing anything. And in fact, I am coming to believe that from now on, my life is going to consist of a lot of nothing. Which quite frankly, scares the crap out of me.
And it's not that there will be nothing to do, it's just that the things I am going to be doing don't feel like the things I have been raised to believe are the important things.
Ok, that might need some clarifying.... After speaking to several people, who all have been saying to me that I should 'just be a mum' for awhile, I've realised that yes I do want to be a mum, and that I am already a mum and will hopefully within the next year be mum to more than one child.
It's the 'just' at the front of it all that scares me. JUST, as in, only, as in, nothing else. JUST never seems like enough, JUST suggests that it's not advancing me at all. And it feels like everything I have been doing for the last however long means pretty much nothing.
I mean, I can see how just being a mum would be wonderful. I love the days when I'm just being a mum and forgetting that I'm a student and everything else. We have wonderful days when I'm just being a mum (we have wonderful days on other days too, but I think the best ones are when I say 'to hell with everything else, today I'm just going to be a mum').
But it goes against my families work ethic. Which doesn't seem to really mesh with my personal family oriented ethic, there is some clashing going on there that's for sure.
My brains going, but you have to work, or study, or in some way be furthering yourself, making some money, working on a career (that's my Dad talking). And other parts are going - well that was smart, doing all this learning only to do sweet F all with it.
I'm sure I will love being a mum and being able to dedicate myself to it more fully than I can right now. But part of me is freaking out at the possibility that it means all the other parts of me will be put on hold for awhile.
I'm determined not to let that happen. I have other hopes and dreams. Other things I want to achieve, things that I am sure I can make work with having children and dedicating a lot of my time to raising them and giving them all the love and attention they deserve and need.
I can be a person and a mother as well right? It's possible? I don't have to be swallowed whole by motherhood do I?
Will I even care when it happens though.... or will being swallowed whole just happen so naturally that I don't even realize it's happened?
I over think everything.
I really do.
I need to get motivated and finish my degree, and then maybe work on learning how to relax and enjoy having spare time when I have it. And I need to learn that it's ok not to totally overload my life with a million different things - having a million different things on the go at once doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to be fulfilled. Right?
I don't think I really know how to relax - I mean, I know how to procrastinate, but it's not really the same thing as relaxing because you know, you KNOW there are all these other things that you're meant to be doing and no matter how much you try to avoid those things, part of you is still thinking (obsessing) about them. Well, that's how it works for me anyways....
For as long as I can remember there have been a million and one things on my plate. I've been working, and studying and helping my friends out with the numerous issues, I've been dealing with my own issues, moving houses, cities, obtaining pets, and so many other things. Big things, at the time they were big anyways.
Next year I don't feel like I'm doing anything. And in fact, I am coming to believe that from now on, my life is going to consist of a lot of nothing. Which quite frankly, scares the crap out of me.
And it's not that there will be nothing to do, it's just that the things I am going to be doing don't feel like the things I have been raised to believe are the important things.
Ok, that might need some clarifying.... After speaking to several people, who all have been saying to me that I should 'just be a mum' for awhile, I've realised that yes I do want to be a mum, and that I am already a mum and will hopefully within the next year be mum to more than one child.
It's the 'just' at the front of it all that scares me. JUST, as in, only, as in, nothing else. JUST never seems like enough, JUST suggests that it's not advancing me at all. And it feels like everything I have been doing for the last however long means pretty much nothing.
I mean, I can see how just being a mum would be wonderful. I love the days when I'm just being a mum and forgetting that I'm a student and everything else. We have wonderful days when I'm just being a mum (we have wonderful days on other days too, but I think the best ones are when I say 'to hell with everything else, today I'm just going to be a mum').
But it goes against my families work ethic. Which doesn't seem to really mesh with my personal family oriented ethic, there is some clashing going on there that's for sure.
My brains going, but you have to work, or study, or in some way be furthering yourself, making some money, working on a career (that's my Dad talking). And other parts are going - well that was smart, doing all this learning only to do sweet F all with it.
I'm sure I will love being a mum and being able to dedicate myself to it more fully than I can right now. But part of me is freaking out at the possibility that it means all the other parts of me will be put on hold for awhile.
I'm determined not to let that happen. I have other hopes and dreams. Other things I want to achieve, things that I am sure I can make work with having children and dedicating a lot of my time to raising them and giving them all the love and attention they deserve and need.
I can be a person and a mother as well right? It's possible? I don't have to be swallowed whole by motherhood do I?
Will I even care when it happens though.... or will being swallowed whole just happen so naturally that I don't even realize it's happened?
I over think everything.
I really do.
I need to get motivated and finish my degree, and then maybe work on learning how to relax and enjoy having spare time when I have it. And I need to learn that it's ok not to totally overload my life with a million different things - having a million different things on the go at once doesn't necessarily mean that I am going to be fulfilled. Right?
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